Sometimes I am able to step back and see how great my life is. Every once in a while I am able to appreciate how lucky I am. There have been some amazing experiences, incredible friendships, speechless moments staring at sunsets, sunrises, star lit nights. Countless adventures big and small, all of them life changing, spiritually enriching and oh of course character building!

I try so hard to live everyday, every minute with love in my heart, compassion in my thoughts, the reality of the future in my actions.

I rarely sit back and catch a ride, I am consumed by thought, always wondering, questioning, criticizing…I always want more. I am seldom ever satisfied, content. No matter how many things in my life are going well, even great, I am confronted by a deep driving desire, a burning need for more. It all tends to make me a little crazy, cranks the wires holding me together tighter still. Perhaps it is a blessing to have something there to drive me along, keep me trying, reaching? Or is it a curse to be perpetually unsatisfied, never able to just be happy?

I often wonder, do we all have the tendency to want more, to believe that the one thing out of reach is “The Thing” that will make us happy, complete? Makes one wonder what is happiness? Is it different for everyone? I guess I am not sure what is my own definition?

I am driven to push myself, to see what is inside of me and to see if that thing inside of me is capable of more. There is a need that burns to be the best I can be, to never give up till I get there. I want to be good, to do good. I so badly need to validate my existence, my consumption. To earn my place on this earth. I am not there yet, I suspect I never will.

This makes me wonder, do we all just want love? To love and be loved? Is that “The Thing” we all want? That drives us to do good, to do bad? Am I driven to do what I do only because I want to be loved for it? To fill the void inside me…

The answer is always the carrot dangling in front of our nose, perpetually out of reach. Despite the numerous drop dead gorgeous sunsets, I still want more. No matter how many times I claw my way atop an impossible plateau, I will still find myself unsatisfied. Maybe the answer is at the end of the rainbow?

I have been sleeping in lately. Too tired to get up and rise with the sun as I usually do. It feels weird, not right. But hell as long as I get my stuff done it don’t really matter right?  Seems my riding time has shifted over to evenings as many of my rides have been starting just before or even after sunset.

Tonight I got home from work, walked the dogs, prepped the bike and headed out to my beloved Hartman’s for a ride. By the time I clipped into my pedals it was already after 7:30. Dark, very dark and getting colder by the minute.

Yet it is so still, so quiet, completely peaceful out there in that wonderful mix of rocks, sage and snow. Didn’t see a single person, not one vehicle, no noise but the crunching of big tires on the stiff frozen snow.

I warmed up as the air got colder. I rode some tough trails that made me a bit frustrated. I then hit the snow packed super firm roads and did my workout, some mellow-ish intervals. Leaving what I imagine to be interestingly funny tracks going back and forth, back and forth. 

By now my toes are starting to tingle with cold. I layer up and make my way back towards the truck, not really wanting to stop. I hit my new favorite trail, V Drop. I clean it, my heart pounds with joy, adrenaline, satisfaction. I ride a few more trails. A shooting star streaks above the giant granite boulders surrounding me. The stars are in charge of the night, glimmering bright in the dark sky.

The bike simply feels amazing. The thin packed out line of the trail flows like magic. I am this very moment, in love with this very moment and tonight, that is all I can ask for.Thank You Universe, Thank You

.

There is a lot of thought ping ponging back in forth in my brain. Nothing new there, but man it keeps me awake at night, makes me grind my poor teeth and really makes me wonder. Wonder why bother?

Thing is I try so hard to be what I want to be. I want to be smart. I want to be helpful. I want to try and be a fast guy on a bike. I want to be a good person. I want to be a good dog owner, a good employee, maybe even a be a good boyfriend/husband/significant other someday…… Well it is easy to want…

Thing is that I am a wuss, a total wimp. I get caught up in second thinking, doubt. I chicken out when on the verge of breaking through. I lose sight of the big picture and instead feel broken hearted and give up. I get so frustrated I just want to quit, quit everything. Am I afraid of success? I really wonder sometimes if I am. Fearful of letting go of that awful but familiar safety blanket.

My determination is tested almost everyday. It is true, I really do run head first into walls and then wonder why I am so stupid and spend way too much time contemplating how I got to be so stupid.

The thing is that it doesn’t matter how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up and try again, right? I’ll admit that I don’t usually feel so rosy about screwing up. I hate it, I want to be better, greater, perfect? Fudge I wish it wasn’t such a painful amount of hard fucking work to actually get back up after getting an ass kicking and face doing it all over again.

For me everyday is a determination test. Everyday life forces me to reaffirm that I really do want these dreams of mine that dangle like a carrot in front of my eyes. I get through, but some days shine brighter than others. Today was not much fun, it all seemed like too much work, a big huge maelstrom of confused unsettled energy swirled ceaselessly. But tonight, out on a solo bike ride, I stopped and stared at the sky full of stars. The dark quiet air was cold, the snow crunched underfoot, my breath froze on my beard, coyotes howled in the distance. For the first time in days my heart felt a touch of serenity. Looking up in all directions…were stars stars and more stars. 

Change is hard.

I admit that I hate change.

Therefor I tend to get stuck in ruts, afraid to see what is outside of it. Developing terrible habits as a way of dealing with something that bothers me. There was a long period for me that I wanted to change, saw it plain as day that I needed to change. For years this went on, the bad habits that kept me going numb to the unresolved, kept digging in deeper. Despair often filled my heart, for I didn’t think I really could change my ways, make life what I wanted. A victim of my own fear, fear of something as simple as change.

Life is dynamic, there are bumps in every road. There are things that no one can swerve to avoid, potholes that get in the way of the goals ahead. Still I am happy to say I have changed, grown. Moved from where I thought I was once stuck forever. It is hard, sometimes it still sucks. Mostly it is the best thing in the world to see your dreams getting closer to what you are working towards everyday.

Must remember to have faith that our dreams are good enough to reach for, to try for, to suck it up and make a change for. If not now, then when?

Not a huge fan of holidays. I’m no Scrooge, but it just sort of makes me realize how non-mainstream my life is. I don’t spend the time with family, or even friends. Don’t have big romantic plans. There is simply no special light burning for me this time of year. All in all the whole suffocating level of Christmas overload makes me feel a little sick. Still I end up feeling a bit guilty for not participating, for not sending out gifts and cards. Cause I do have folks I care for, love and appreciate. But it doesn’t come to life for me, not here, not now. Not really good at faking it either.

Maybe it is the lack of sunshine, the short days and time spent working out indoors on top of the whole Christmas extravaganza. Leaves me feeling a bit sad, a bit lonely to be honest. Kinda wish I had some of those family, friend and romantic obligations, a desire to participate, to revel in the moment. Instead I might sleep in on the 25th, walk the dog, maybe ski a tiny bit. Drink a little extra coffee. I don’t even have any big work outs to do tomorrow….

Don’t get me wrong, hope everyone has a great day, a great week, but I wish that for everyone everyday, every week. Guess I am not really the holiday type.

Be safe, be thankful, have some fun everyone….. Love You All!

I am not the self selling type. I’d like to think that I do not boast, or exaggerate my skills, abilities or accomplishments. I do what I do because I am driven to do it. Constantly I see holes, places to improve, not perfection in need of reward. Yet I would like to think I am worthy of sponsorship. Not for my race results alone, because I am a professional bike mechanic, a passionate cyclist, a trail advocate, trail builder and maintainer, a true believer in the power of the bicycle as a tool of change, an instrument of joy, an outlet for crazy energy.

I haven’t really tried to get the bike industry to help me much in the past. I’d rather be anonymous, somewhat obscure, self supported, plain clothed. My own person, no debts, no alliances, no butts to kiss. It has worked, but the the thing is I like to race, in fact I just love racing bikes. There is a simple joy in trying so hard, giving everything you have to something you love. For years I have raced and raced and raced. Not every season is great, but I keep getting better, faster, smarter. Now I am really training, staying more focused than ever, yet with it my dreams keep getting bigger and brighter.

After a pretty good season last year and a head full of racing, I thought it was time to get some help from the bike industry. There are limits to what I can do. I work two jobs, I scrape by. Often forgoing races for the lack of money, gear, time. I could do more with some help, this I believe is a simple truth. So I put together a resume. It wasn’t easy for me to do, it really wasn’t. I sent it out. I hoped and dreamed that some folks would actually read it. Maybe see the true nature of a serious and dedicated cyclist in there. Seeking to push limits, inspire others, make a difference.

Tonight I got an e-mail declining my request for sponsorship. Have to admit it is a little heart breaking. I am thin skinned, sensitive and tend to take things personally.  Maybe I’m fooling myself, dreaming of being supported by the very industry I work in. Perhaps I’m a dreaming when I like to think that I could be a benefit in exposure and product testing. Is it time to brag about myself, talk shit about everyone else and create a buzz with such bravado?

Naw, I’ll just keep doing what I do. Race, Ride, Live and Love.

Would like to thank those that do support me and have helped me reach for my dreams, Griggs Orthopedics, Rock N Roll Sports and all my friends, all the near and far away inspirations that keep me wanting more and the Universe for all the challenges that keep it real. Thanks for all you do.   

Sometimes you just got to have faith and go do your thing.

I haven’t slept well the past few nights. I am the anxious, wound too tight, never stop thinking type. Yes it is pretty much all my own fault. It really is. I worry, I stress, it does nothing to elevate the issue or do anything to fix the problem, yet sometimes my brain just gets the best of me. I get a little edgy, my temper gets short and I don’t sleep very well.

On top of that I worked all weekend.18 plus hours in the kitchen. Normally after two days in a row running in circles prepping, baking, cooking, slinging food this way and that, I am pretty whupped, tired, semi useless. Often I get home after the second shift, and fall asleep. Sometimes I make it into bed, sometimes right on the floor still petting one of the dogs.

Well now I got a coach. I got a training schedule. Sure he doesn’t live with me and can’t tell if I am dutifully performing my workouts, or catching zzz’s. But I know, ohh I know. Today after work I would have easily crashed out, woke up at sunset, ate and gone back to sleep. Instead I knew I had to get out there, do what I am supposed to do. Not for him, but for me.

I walk the dogs, prep the bike, stifling yawns I get on the well thought out layers needed to stay warm biking in the cold. Drive out to my spot and start my ride. It is already almost 4:PM, the sun is casting long deep cold shadows across the snow covered sage when I get moving, determined to crank out my 5 hours of riding.

There is no denying that I am tired. Yet the air is still, the miles roll by smooth and easy. Not a sound seems to emanate from the surrounding hills, no cars, no trucks, no barking dogs, no people. Only the bounce of deer and bunnies out of the dark patches of willows. A bit of new soft snow covers over the truck and dog sled tracks that I am following, making my passage almost silent. I ride for miles and miles, thoughts roll through my head as the tires roll along the whited out dirt roads. I think about racing, past and future. I think of the people I love and cherish. I think about life, purpose, determination and its limits.

Mostly I just ride, breath in, breath out……. and pedal, pedal, pedal

.So glad I didn’t just take a nap…..

roll on, roll on……