It was dark in the house one early morning in January. I found myself awake, sitting in front of the woodstove, staring blankly at the flames. I was feeling quite lack luster about myself in that I wasn’t focused my general wellbeing, I was being too busy trying to get things done. The to do list had dominated my existence, so much that I wasn’t always getting it done, just obsessing over it. I needed a distraction that put some focus back on myself a bit. There in the witching hour of the dark early morning, I found a solo entry to 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo for sale, I bought it.

I lined up help from Grandma Emi, got permission from the family, and started riding my bike a more, well a tiny bit more. It will never stop being hilarious how much I am able to fool myself into thinking I will have more time to ride/train if I focus. I did manage to ride more often, but time was hard to come by as life keeps happening, it just does and my rides were kinda short. The idea of riding a mountain bike for 24 hours is nothing to laugh at and my legs were worried. I was scared of how much this could hurt, how badly it could go if I hurt myself. So I tried to make the most of my ride windows and plan out everything else I could, prep is key.

A few days before I was set to leave for the race, I got accepted as a Club Ride Apparel Ambassador. Cool beans! I scrambled to try and get some clothes for the race and ended up getting the hook up from the 24 Hour Town Rock Drop MC, Kaolin Cummins. He lent me a whole box of CB gear to make sure I was looking good.

I drove to 24 Hour Town in one fell swoop, it was long, but driving the red VW solo made for a sporty cruise. Still it was about midnight when I rolled in, I hastily found a spot and rolled out the bag and slept. I got to wake up on the ground with coyotes howling in the still quiet and sparsely occupied space in the Sonoran desert. The spot I chose in the middle of the night turned out to be perfect, just 50 feet from the course and I set an easy up right next to the route, right before the rock drop, perfect!!! I did a hot lap, then swapped from a 34×20 to 34×21. The rest of the day spent chatting with friends and neighbors. Friday it rained a good bit of the day, not the best when tent camping and trying to prep, but forced me to chill and be out of the sun. There were just enough breaks in the precip to get thing done, plus rain before a race in the desert is kind of a magical treat. WIN WIN WIN!

Saturday morning was suddenly right now, my ducks were all lined up agap, but still riding solo self supported for 24 hours is game time. All the choices were suspect, did I choose the right gearing? Will I be ok running? Will my knee hold up? How many laps can I do, is this stupid to even try? Will the new tailwind hurt my stomach? Next your bike is staged and you have a baton in your hand and you are walking waay too far to the start of the run. Then you drop your baton and have to go looking, luckily someone found it and saw my panicking, searching face. Now wondering if I should have pooped one more time….Then boom it is noon, you are running awkwardly and faster than you’d ever like to run, people f$&king everywhere, faster, slower. I’m passing folks but it’s starting to suck, then you hit the bikes and it is pure chaos. Folks running, folks riding slow and awkwardly weaving back n forth, folks running with bikes, people everywhere screaming and cheering. It is mad crazy awesome just getting to your bike.

Now you are racing, going so fast and it’s tight and folks are passing all over, drifting tires. So good, oh man I was flying on that first lap. Tucking and pumpig hard, spinning like mad, working it to stay on the pedals. Fast, so much fun, and sketchy, first lap done. Straight out for another lap, feeling the speed of first lap, but stayed on the gas whole 2nd lap. Feeling good, stop for food, water bottles, couple pumps of air in tires.

Managed to play my cards as I hoped to, not easy for a whole day and night. Start strong, hopefully not too fast!, stay on gas, take shortest time off bike as possible, ride all night, drink, eat, drink eat. It did really hurt, around 10:PM my back went crazy tight from cranking up them bitches. Around 2:AM I was feeling shelled out, legs cooked, back tweaked, knee sore, eyes tired and burnt. Still I managed to stay on the bike, stay on the gas and keep cranking laps. I didn’t have anyone in the pits to tell me and I didn’t ask anyone about my place in the race. I stay focused on me and how to keep riding, I had the mindset of trying to get as many laps as possible. On my 16th lap someone recognized me and as we rode a bit together asked me if I was winning? I told him I didn’t think so, but he had the beta that I was leading!

That motivated me to keep the hammer on and slam out another fast lap. It felt so damn good, just amazing to roll that last lap knowing I hit 17 laps again, 9 years after my last 24HOP solo, I still had it!!! It wasn’t till I was all done and went to the timing tent that I was convinced that I had the win! So Utterly Destroyed and also so incredibly stoked!

Big thanks to my family for the time away!!!

My Bike was my Revel El Jefe, size large, SIDUlt fork, Code RSC brakes, Wheels: Revel/I9 front, Onyx/LightBicycle rear. 34×21 gearing. Fenix bc26 helmet light, Gloworm X2 handlebar.

Wore: Clubride New West Shirt and older ride shorts. I layered a wool long sleeve and wool 3/4 tights for the night laps. Was perfect set up for the whole 24 hours, lows in 40’s, HI in 70’s.

Ate: GF waffles, Gummy’s(mix of honey stingers, black forest, natty G fruity bears= money!) Bacon, Chicken Soup, GF Cookies, Chips, Tailwind Endurance Fuel Berry, Tailwind Ultra Carb Ginger-ale. Bison Meat Bars. Kombucha. Coke. Maybe a bit more I forgot… Found that I was very hungry for first 12-14 hours of the race and was less interested in eating for the second half. Overall nutrition was great for self supported effort, I was able to refuel quickly and had a variety spread out to chose from.

Always wish for more time on the bike, but I did a really good job of dialing in my bike fit in my rides leading up to the race and that helped immensely. More training would have helped prevent my back getting worked cranking hard.

Pretty sure it was 2013, I had just squeaked out the win and was a complete wreck when I rolled into Waterton. Luckily my Mom was there to collect me. It was our tradition to spend a few days together before or after the CTR, depending on direction. Kay lived not too far from Waterton in Brighton. After Jesse finished, we headed back to her funky little old farmhouse hidden amongst the highways and the ever-expanding city complex.

We always spent the time before or after the race, connecting. We talked a lot. We usually drank beer and sat on the porch in rocking chairs, surrounded by dogs. We always ate a lot of bacon. We drank lots of coffee. We ate ice cream. I always looked forward to it, whether completed amped up and anxious or utterly destroyed, it was such a great time to just chill, drink beer, pet dogs and talk to my Mom. We really enjoyed each other’s company and for someone as twitchy as I am, it was such a relaxing time.

In 2013 we got back to my Mom’s house straight from Waterton and while she was out, Tessa, one of her dogs had died. It was heart breaking. Instead of celebrating, we were dealing with a dead dog, and then my grieving mother. I was getting woozy and light headed in the hot sun getting the poor stiff dog to the vet for cremation, picking up cleaning supplies, and cleaning up. I was wasted, I hadn’t slept much in a couple days, I was looking for cool drinks and a long nap haha. It was also so difficult for me to watch my Mom sob and sob, it was awkward and sad. Losing a dog is brutal and I was glad I could be there for my Mom, she would never really ask for help, but me being there made it just happen. I was day dreaming on the trail about a celebration, instead it was a real somber time. That was a strong reminder that life doesn’t stop cause we are focused on something.

During my visit we were grocery shopping and the cashier had a bunch of tats and my Mom complimented them on their art, the person softened and was stoked to hear it. My mom wasn’t really a people person so the interaction surprised me. Later I asked Kay why she gave the compliment and did she like tattoos? We were drinking beer and rocking away the afternoon. She asked me why I didn’t have any? I told her I didn’t have anything I thought I wanted on my skin, forever. My Mom “to me they are art, maybe not always good, or recognizable as whatever, but cool that people used their skin as a canvas, I think it’s cool”, “and besides that person was having a day, wanted to add some light”

After a couple more beers I had an idea for a CTR tatt, it would have the CT twin peak symbol, then a thundercloud and a columbine. But what would be the occasion to actually get such a thing, I had zero ink on me and didn’t really like the idea that much. I had just finished my 6th CTR, I was seriously a wreck from going real hard, but it never takes that long to start dreaming of the next one. Maybe when I finish another, is it seven=tatt? Then I thought I should try to get 10 finishes!!! If I ever do, I’ll get the tattoo!!!

This summer I got to race the CTR once again and after 19 years and 12 tries I managed my 10th race finish. I also had an amazing ride out there. The bikepacking community is a swell group of folks and the Colorado Trail is something special. It really is an amazing feeling finishing this thing.

It was also my first finish without my Mom waiting at Waterton. I started the race without a plan for the finish, I was just going to figure it out. It wasn’t till about halfway, in the good old Cotchetopa Hills, riding all alone, that it hit me that my Mom wasn’t going to be there with bacon and ice cream. She wasn’t going to be there ever again. Damn that sucks. It almost makes finishing, or starting, half as fun. My Mom was at the start or the finish of every CTR I did except this last one. She was there for me all those years I was chasing this crazy dream to go as fast as I could on the bike, she always believed in me. I miss that in my corner.

So I got the tattoo. It hurt like something crazy, my skin just hated the sensation. But it’s there, for the rest of my days. I will always smile through the tears remembering all my rides along the CT and the wonderful times we had rocking away the afternoon. Miss you so much Mom.

2025 Gunny Loopy Loop

The 2025 Loopy Loop is on. One loop this year, about 212 miles and about 31,500″ of climbing and descending! Counter Clockwise! 

http://2025 Loopy Map and GPX

Trackleaders sign up: https://www.plotaroute.com/mobile/route/2903638

6:AM, Saturday August 30th, Downtown Gunnison, Colorado.

This is real mountain biking through the mountains on sometimes rough rugged backcountry trails. The altitude is high and gets higher, but it is always worth it, for the amazing views, feeling of place and some sweet riding as well. Unless you’ve done the Loopy before, don’t under estimate the difficulty of this loop.

Bit shorter and less bruising than last year’s ass whupping, but still plenty of chunk, lots of trail riding and of course, hike a bike. Singletrack start right out of town up into Signal Peak Trails, then over Signal Mesa to One Mile, to beaver/mcintyre to full Fossil Ridge trail, easy bomb down Gold Crk Rd, little bit of quiet pavement into Pitkin, tiny little town. Next a big climb up to the Alpine Tunnel and the Divide. Sweet Tunnel Lake trail to Tincup Pass, to the alpine ghost known as the “Intercept” to Napoleon Pass, down into Tincup. Bit of easy dirt takes you all the way to Taylor Trading Post, but the Route turns and climbs up decent forest roads to cross Cottonwood Pass Rd on the Timberline Trail. Timberline down to Texas Creek and then up a big climb to the Tiny Texas Ridge Trail. Dusty and busy roads continue thru Taylor Park and climb out on Rocky Brook Rd. Welcome to Spring Creek, past the reservoir and back onto singletrack with Bear/Deadmans and the into the Cement Creek Area. A big beautiful climb up cement creek trail and over Crystal Trl up to Star Pass/400. Descend and enjoy! Then around CB Mountain on Deer Crk, to Gothic Rd, Town of MT CB, skirt the bottom of the lifts and climb up West Side Trl to Happy Hour, Upper to Tony’s into Crested Butte. But don’t get too comfy….Big fun climb out of CB on Baxter’s to Carbon, to Ohio Pass Rd to Lowline Trail, sorry, not sorry..hehehehe….Mill Creek, dirt roads to Maggie Pass to an easy finish on pavement back into Gunny.

Resupply possible at mile 45, Pitkin, mile 71, Tincup, both very limited! Taylor Trading Post is about 3 flat miles off route at mile 75. Mount CB and Crested Butte are at miles 162/168. Surface water is generally available. Primitive camping common along route, although close to Crested Butte there is designated camping restrictions in place. Be smart about where you camp, there are plenty of places to get rest, I’d recommend along the trail sections away from CB, as the forest service roads there are often many folks out camping for the busy holiday weekend. Especially in Taylor and CB.

Self-supported rules apply. Do it yourself!!! This is a challenge for like minded folks to attempt to ride this loop as fast as they can. Feel free to “race”, but please remember to have fun and not take it too seriously. 

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Sunday July 6th, 4:AM, IOOF Park, Downtown Gunny.

Self supported, self paced, fun ride from town and back. A bit of pavement, some gravel, a bit of jeep road, plenty of epic moto singletrack and a sprinkle of ghost trail. A solid 60 miles, and 9000′ plus of up and down and starting at 7700′ in town all the way up to 11,900′ at the high point. Be ready for a long hard day with plenty of hike a bike. Bring lots of calories, water(filter?), a jacket and whatever you need to get thru 7.5-12 hours of pedaling and pushing.

GPX: https://www.plotaroute.com/routeplayer/3020310

Route description: IOOF Park start of second block main street, Gunnison. Ride North about 1.5 miles, veer right onto 135 frontage road for about .3 mile, to CR 10 for another 3 miles, as pavement goes left, continue straight on Lost Canyon Rd, good dirt (unless soaked!) Stay on road and climb steadily for about 8 miles. At mile 13.5 from town Lost Canyon Rd hits One Mile Rd at a pleasant saddle area, One Mile goes down to the Right, Lost Canyon goes up to the left. Look for a trail dropping to the N/E, this is Fast Cow, a ghost trail that plunges! Be aware of steep and loose sections!

Fast Cow drops to One Mie Rd, turn right and begin a rough bit of jeep trail-ish for about 1.5 miles. Take a narrow 2 track, Beaver/McIntyre on the Left at stream crossing! Up B/M to 3 way intersection with Fossil Ridge going left and McIntyre going Straight. Drop down McIntyre, watch the rocks! At about mile 20 turn Left and Up Alder Creek Trl #577, steep and hike a bike at times. Top out onto Willow Creek Rd, drop down only .3 of a mile and look for Bear Gulch Trail #610 on left at water bar, begin up and down many times then drop to Gold Creek Rd, turn left and climb good dirt road.

At roughly mile 31 go straight onto Fossil Ridge Trail, trail is rough, rocky and starts with a big climb up to treeline. Pace yourself! From there for about 5 miles, Fossil traverses many times between 11,000′ and 11,800′, it is beautiful, rough and rugged. Plenty of hike a bike and tricky riding. At about mile 38 begin the rowdy and wicked queen stage descent down Fossil back to Beaver/McIntyre. Lollipop on B/M back to One Mile, Up a steep and rocky climb back to Lost Canyon Rd for just a tiny bit more.3 mile lollipop, then look for grey gate on left and sometimes faint old CT Spur Trail paralleling the road but slowly drifting towards fast riding Signal Mesa roads to Signal Singletrack, (Northwoods, Shoelace, Ridge, Rasta, Contour) back into town!

Hell Yay! Go get yourself a cold beverage!

It has been a hot minute since I sat down to write and I got a swarm of thoughts swirling around in my head.

2024 was perhaps the hardest year of my life. Sure it is fresh and still lingering there and I can recall plenty of other hard times, suffering and heart break, but 2024 pushed me to the brink. I made it through the year numbing myself and not dealing with things that were crushing me, as problems just stacked up. I tried to use the tools I had but they were not sufficient to give me much hope or relief. I was stuck and not seeing outside of myself or the experience I was creating. I wanted to go back to when I had more time and space to use the tools I knew to find a way thru. I was not growing, not really living, just working and working and choring and working. I withdrew from everything that could have helped. I shunned social interactions, I didn’t read a single book, I rarely asked for help with anything, it felt like all I could do was get numb and keep working.

Thankfully I don’t live in a vacumm and my wife, Rachel, confronted me about the constant alcohol use. I admitted there was a problem and I had to stop, I felt so trapped in that cycle or numbing to get through my life, I was aware enough of this that I was hating myself very deeply. I was looking to self harm, but still provide for my family, I was looking to kill myself a little at a time, but still be home very night and alcohol was perfect for this.

Today I am 31 days no alcohol, it is hard, especially the first week or so. Last time I quit I demonized the drug in order to escape it. While that worked for about 18 months, I was grumpy as fuck and not really finding much happiness. I started to drink just on a few occasions and it was fine. As life kept changing and my ability to physically exercise out my demons became harder and harder to access, I started to drink more and more often. Then Rachel and I spent 3 months working non stop to open the Dilly Deli in 2024 and all my energy went into that project. I was working like crazy and not getting outside and I just leaned harder and harder on numbing myself.

We opened up the Deli in March of 2024 it was such a sprint to get it ready and I was completely exhausted, emotionally drained and I hadn’t been outside hardly at all. But spring was here, the Deli was open and there was hope in the air. Two weeks after we opened I found out my mom died at home alone. I was and still am devastated by this loss. Losing a parent is an experience you cannot grasp until it happens, I think it is especially hard when it is the very being that brought you into this world. I also have an enormous amount of guilt about being so damn fucking busy that I didn’t know she was so close to death. My mom was stubborn and probably determined to be alone, but I still am struggling to forgive myself for not being there for her, it is so painful to know she died alone. Back in April when this happened I just drank more and more. I didn’t want to process this, I wanted to be numb.

So here I am in 2025 feeling and dealing. I am on the sober train again and its always such an eye opener. This time I am going about things very differently and I am going deep into the work I need to do and oh there is a lot to do! At times, like yesterday, it feels so fucking overwhelming to feel so much and not always know where it all fits, much less how to deal with it. I am so stuck in my ways it is very difficult to see anything else, but there is so much else and I am started to feel these possibilities as there are opportunities to grow. I am inspired everyday by my almost 6 year old daughter and her incredible enthusiasm for life and experience. I am reading books! Oh wow that was sorely missed! I am dwelling into my issues and seeing a way through them rather than around them. It is fairly easy to get wrapped up the world around us and forget to be with ourselves enough as it is often uncomfortable.

One of the biggest challenges for me is asking for and receiving help. Somewhere in that past of mine it got very strongly reinforced that I have to do it all myself. That no one else is safe or reliable. What an obstacle I have created and defended for all my life. No one is an island in this universe, yet I insisted to myself and anyone in my life that I was. It seems daunting to even consider this a reality much less take it on and deal with it, that was yesterday for me. I was feeling suffocated and unable to rise up in order to breath. As impossible as it seems in the moment to grow through this, all it took was reading and reflecting to get a slight perspective shift that opened the doors to possibilities I didn’t see before.

While that feeling of seeing what can be is exciting and the energy feels invigorating and energizing I tend to get caught on that wave thinking it will last forever and the pain is gone. I remember riding the Tour Divide in 2011 and riding on a section of the route that was on the actual Continental Divide rolling along these big hills the sky threw a party and the sunset was freaking spectacular. I felt like a bird freed from the cage of pain and depression. I was convinced in that moment that I was never going to feel really bad again. The disappointment of falling back into depression later was demoralizing for me. I am now able to see that the work isn’t ever done, something I struggle with I want to accomplish things, check it off the list! These magical experiences are fuel for keeping us engaged and inspired. I see that the work is life and it can be interwoven in a positive way. So today or some tomorrow will see the return of the things that hurt and cause stress, but I can learn to process rather than numb. This realization is a powerful one for me. The coin feels like it can actually be flipped and that alone is a reason the keep working and trying.

2025 CTR Group Start: Durango, 4:AM. August 10th, 2025.*

Group Start is Limited to 74 riders, There is No Formal Registration! These 74 slots will open a month before the group start. A link will be posted here and at the CTR Facebook page to get on that list, but not till a month out! Individual Time Trials are welcome anytime outside of 24 hours of the race. This year there will be a mandatory $50 donation to the Colorado Trail Foundation trail crew program to get on the list. More on that as we get closer.

The Colorado Trail Race is a self supported bike ride. The specific rules for the CTR are here: https://jwookieone.com/colorado-trail-race/colorado-trail-race-rules/ Know the rules it is the riders responsibility! Ther rules are there to keep it equal among riders, maintain the ethos of self supported racing and minimize impact to the trail. We call it a race, but really is an adventure! Be smart, be safe, be responsible for yourself, you are on your own out there and you should be able to deal with weather, mechanicals. injuries, etc.

The CTR wants to stress that we are guests on this trail and on the land we traverse. CTR racers do not have any more clout on the trail than anyone else. There are hundreds of other trail users doing a similar thing and they are all equally special and awesome, so don’t make your race take away from some else’s experience out there! Practice yielding to others and leaving no trace, “racing” does not excuse you from proper behavior on the trail.

A quick bit about rules and such. If you do not want to strictly follow the CTR rules, or the CTR course, or want to take your time on the CT, please consider touring it or simply riding it on your own. Riding the Colorado Trail is just as amazing of an experience as racing it and allows many riders the flexibility to perhaps have a better time. To be clear, there are lots of ways to experience the CT outside of the race and all the rules, start time, etc, that go along with it. Want to take a film crew and make a movie, or have family and friends meet you at trailheads, go for it, but not as part of the CTR. Want to skip a few sections, why not, but don’t compare yourself to those who ride 100% of the course. There are plenty of opportunities and ways to ride the CT and the CTR is just one of them and is focused on a self supported, go as fast as you can style on the prescribed course. 

Course is most likely the same as past years, will have an updated GPX at some point, but older files should be fine for research purposes.

Lots of info out there, do your research!!!

*exact group start location in Durango will be announced closer to the race.

I woke up this morning before my alarm, as I lay in bed cozy and warm I started to think about my Mom.

Being a parent is perhaps the hardest thing one can try to do well. There are so many opportunities to do good and to also really mess up. I try to be the best dad I can be, every minute of every day. It is exhausting and the sacrifice is deep, but I took on this job and I want to do the best I can. We as parents can do so much to help out kids be prepared for the world out there. Most parents are very just people and people have a hard time letting go of everything else and caring for a child. We carry our garbage around and install problems into our kids. My parents didn’t do a great job of this with me.

I was not ready for the world out there, I still am not. I carry so much of my pain around with me. Pain that went unresolved cause I never understood why I ended up such a lonely and scared little boy. The adults chose and I was heart broken for so much of my youth. My dad was rigid, strict and a little scary to me as a sensitive boy. I clung to my encouraging mother, then she was gone. Life changed, I learned to be quiet, and collected. Keep your emotions inside, show only strength.

It took years of self reflecting and acceptance to just allow this to be real. As a 3 year old, I unknowingly took the burden on of my parents divorce and carried it in my heart. What a world! It took so long to realize that just cause two people have children doesn’t mean that they can be together. Again being a parent myself has shown me how hard it is to be present, to not bring your own baggage, to keep your own emotions out of it. Now I can appreciate that my parents probably tried, it is was hard and it kicked their ass.

While my Mom and I had a pretty good adult relationship, we never really delved into the past much. We both avoided that painful mess, but now I wish so much that we talked about it. I wish so much that I talked to her more about everything. My mom was not perfect, far from it, she had a hard time being a mom unless she wanted to be. I get that now and have the capacity to accept this. I can not tell you how much I wanted to talk to her over the past 9 months. Oh man how I wish I could sit with her and say all this. Oh how I wish I could hold her hand, give her my love, understanding and say to say goodbye.

Do me a huge favor, if you still can, call your Mom, tell her I say hi!

Early today the 2024 CTR sped off into the darkness of early morning. 70 riders all headed out with dreams in their heads and nerves ringing through their bodies. With the forecast looking wet, could be an epic one this year, but the CT dishes it out a plenty even in nice years, so the stories will tell…

The CTR is a labor of love, I love the Colorado Trail and the race has given me so many experiences that are such a part of me. That is why I do it, to give to this amazing possibility that is out there, to share it with others and to do the best we can to limit our impacts. It is work and it consumes my time and sometimes its just a bit too much answering another email, or getting someone set to track at the very last minute. It can be so frustrating when you really want to go ride, but you answer emails and edit tracks instead.

I miss the racing. I miss having that goal to keep me focused and moving. All the planning, even though exhausting, can be so satisfying when it works out. There is something about dedicating time to do something that is powerful. It is especially rewarding if you finish the damn thing, tired you may be, but full of knowing you did it.

Life is full. So Full. Work, so much working, owning a business is hard AF. Parenting. Husbanding. Chores, chores, projects, chores. The Dog. The House. The Garden. I want to do it all well, and that takes time. Right now it takes pretty much all my time. I tried really hard to keep riding, sort of training…almost, but it wiped me out and I didn’t ride for almost a month cause I was so tired and burnt out. That wasn’t good.

I kept the dream of being an athlete alive, I tried hard, I raced Hard, and always working hard too, years and years of all that has been taking a toll on me. Every year riding has less consistent, just so many priorities taking precedence. Thankfully my body still mostly wants to ride, just about the time and energy to do it. Without that consistency it is really hard to stay in shape and doing Ultras requires you to be in some kind of condition, or you just hurt yourself. It is a bitter pill I am not ready to swallow, but reality hit hard this summer, life just kicked my ass and I got nothing in the tank.

When my body doesn’t do what I ask it, I get super depressed. I ask a lot of it, but I still want it to fly when I ask it to fly. Think I asked a few too many times and now rest might be more of what is in my future. I hope I can find a happy place about it.

I got through today, it wasn’t easy but I kept it together. Last night as I was trying to go to sleep, the idea of getting through today seemed impossible.

I had just turned out the lights and was about to read a book to Lillian, when I saw headlights in the driveway and a headlamp headed to the side door. Not the usual for our house and I greeted Officer Beda at the door. He asked if I was the son of Kathleen Branham of Brighton Colorado? I said I was, and he told me that my mother was found dead on her couch. Standing right there, 9:PM, in the cold ass Gunnison air, in my boxers. I was in shock, I got the numbers for the coroner, thanked the officer for doing such a hard job and I walked back inside to tell Rachel.

I got a hold of the coroner and began the process of getting my info and as much as I knew about my mom, and her last few days. In the midst of getting the details I broke down and had to leave the room. I will never be the same again.

In the midst of opening the Dilly Deli and trying to rebound from a winter of only working, I really neglected to check in on Kay. I was so wound up, spun out, and exhausted, I just didn’t feel like I had the band width to do anything else. I sent her videos of Lillian and little texts about missing her, but I didn’t call or make the trip.

I wish I could have been a better son…

I got through today, but I am somewhat disappointed that once again, I have rallied for the sake of work. I forgot to return to humanity and went to work and pretended it was all just fine. What is gone wrong with me that work is so fucking important, that doing a good job is more important than feeling. Stifling emotion for the sake of normalcy. What reality have I created for myself?

After we closed and locked the doors to the deli, I was no longer able to hold back all the emotions, the doubt, and guilt. It is so incredibly painful to know I won’t get to talk to my mom again, never, not once. We won’t sit rocking on her old farmhouse porch, drinking beers and talking for a whole day. She won’t be there with bacon and ice cream to pick me up after the CTR. My number one fan is gone. What a door to have closed in your face!

Last August we Gunnison Branham’s went to visit my mom and spend some time hanging out. It was a fun visit. Lillian and Kay had a great time and really got to connect, it was so wonderful to be there to witness. Overall we had a good time, but after learning my mom had fallen and hurt her shoulder, and did nothing but deal with it. I began to see that my mom was getting older, not just age but seeing the hardships and tasks one can’t quite do sore, tired, and alone. My mom was too stubborn to ask for much help and would just suffer whatever it was. After our visit, I had this thought to ask my mom to move to Gunnison so we could be there for her. I don’t think she would have gone for the idea, but I never got around to asking, I never even asked her. I didn’t want my mom to be alone, but I didn’t get around to doing anything cause I really didn’t believe she was going anywhere.

I assumed we had more time. I always thought there would be another opportunity, another time, another year.

The aching sadness that is eating me is gut wrenching, I am finding it hard to breath over and over, all day long I keep gasping for air. It is incredible pain. So harsh it makes you think differently, see other perspectives. I see so much of the stubborn, self-suffering, do it alone attitude my mom seems to have, in myself. I am guilty of going it alone and stoically not asking for any help, I see now so much of that is both me and my mom. The in-ability to tolerate others makes one feel very lonely, but better alone.

!My mom’s and I relationship hasn’t always been perfect. There was a big chunk of my adolescents were I didn’t see her much at all. It wasn’t till I moved out to Colorado when I was 19, that we started to have a relationship again. But we did, it was awkward at times but we learned to talk, we learned about and loved each other. We created an adult relationship out of the ashes of a not so perfect start. After got over my anxiety, it was very relaxing to hang out with my mom as an adult, it gave me so much confidence to be myself!

When I started backpacking my mom was a supporter. When I started endurance racing my mom was a supporter. There late in my life, Kay rose up and supported me when it didn’t seem like anyone else understood what I was doing with myself and many told me so. I was searching for something to test me and everyone else thought I was wasting my time and energy. Meanwhile my mom was there, routing for me, supporting me, telling me I was amazing, that I was a super hero. When I started getting more and more into the endurance stuff my mom was so into it. Rides to the starts of races, pocket cash for the race, sending me newspaper clippings about my results, being there when I sucked and was so disappointed. It felt amazing to have such a support crew.

When Rachel came into my life, it seems like my mom took a back seat. Think my mom took a step back in my life and never really stepped back up, maybe she thought her job was finally done. I was so busy trying to be me and a good man friend, that I didn’t revisit the change in our relationship. Then Lillian happened, I really thought once there was a granddaughter, my mom would be back to engaged. Yet once there was a child, there was even less time and energy on my part, and we let things drift and the last few years I have spent little time with my mom. I was hoping the visit in august would help boost things, and while it was obvious that Kay loved Lillian so much, Kay wasn’t coming out of her shell.

I am crushed, I miss my mom so much, there really isn’t words for this. I wish I could talk to her or hold her hand. I wish so much that I could have been there for her at the end, it hurts me so much to think of her suffering alone, god I wish I could of held her hand. Instead here we are in an imperfect circle wishing for things to be round. I want her to know I forgive everything, that I love and respect her for the life she lived.

Kay I love you so much and thank you so much for being my mother, my biggest fan and my favorite person to drink beer with. Hope somewhere all the dogs and cats you loved get to give you kisses!!!

I woke up early this morning, and for the first time in months I didn’t feel the vacuum of exhaustion open its jaws to swallow up my tired being. I felt like I might have the energy to get up before it was necessary to, like I could maybe get up and do something! It has been a long journey to get where I am now, so much has happened, so much time since this space got any fresh updates so here we go.

I think about how I used to have so much time. So much that I would spend hours doing not much of anything, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, doodling, hanging out, but I also read many books and wrote a little. This was a long time ago, back when I wasn’t all that inspired to do much with myself, still looking for what it was I wanted pursue.

Once the whole endurance thing came into my life I was not so chill, I was either working, sleeping, or out doing something with my body. I was now consuming my time and often burning the candle at both ends trying to do it all. I worked two jobs, slept little, ate tremendous amounts of food, drank a ton of coffee, and was always trying to be moving. It was a exhaustively active time of my life, I would often work right up to events, race without sleep, and get right back to work. There were times it was really taking a lot out of me, but it also felt amazing to be so dedicated to my passion.

Ten years ago life really started to change again. About a month after my 2014 Tour Divide run, while I was still sore, tired and burnt out, Rachel randomly popped up in Gunny on a road trip. Well things clicked and next thing ya know we moved in together! We lived a semi-dirt bag lifestyle for a few years, riding bikes, working, camping, playing with dogs, and then we made a Lillian! Time really accelerated over the next 8 months as we got our shit together and scraped, begged, and borrowed enough to buy a house all while Rachel was pregnant and I was working all the time. We started moving in and Lillian was born three days later. It was such a blur.

I feel like I have been trying to catch up since. I have learned that taking care of a 140 year old house and a family is enough to keep me busy, but I keep trying to squeeze a bit more. I managed to do a few races from 2019 on, but it is a lot harder to be prepared with how much energy I have left at the end of most days. After the 2022 Arizona Trail Race kicked my butt, I realized I still have the skills, and I can still dig deep, but without adequate time on the bike, it is so much harder. This has been a very hard thing for me, I miss riding my bike, I miss feeling like an athlete.

In September the Firebrand announced they were going to close their doors for good, this was a surprise to all. After 28 years it was time. Rachel immediately started asking me if we should take over their lease. I immediately started saying no way! My wife is quite persuasive and somehow I started saying yes. We took the keys to the place January 1st and have been working on it since. Demos, floors, a lunch counter, baseboards, lots of paint, a new stove and grill, so much cleaning and organizing. The menu, recipes, cooking, systems, ordering, storing. We have even hired and trained people!

After so many, many long days of work, we opened the Dilly Deli 3/14/24. That first day we got worked, but we learned a lot, we continue to learn and implement. It is going quite well really, we have only 7 days of operation under us, but have the making of the food more or less figured out. It is a matter of getting better at training and scheduling employees so we don’t have to be there all day.

Today is my fourth day off since mid January, I spent all of yesterday sleeping or helping with Lillian’s 5th birthday party! It was fun, but I am so tired from the work week that I need extra rest. That funny time again, where is it? I am hoping to find some in the near future to return to feeling like a human again, I am much happier and healthier when I am.