There is a lot of thought ping ponging back in forth in my brain. Nothing new there, but man it keeps me awake at night, makes me grind my poor teeth and really makes me wonder. Wonder why bother?
Thing is I try so hard to be what I want to be. I want to be smart. I want to be helpful. I want to try and be a fast guy on a bike. I want to be a good person. I want to be a good dog owner, a good employee, maybe even a be a good boyfriend/husband/significant other someday…… Well it is easy to want…
Thing is that I am a wuss, a total wimp. I get caught up in second thinking, doubt. I chicken out when on the verge of breaking through. I lose sight of the big picture and instead feel broken hearted and give up. I get so frustrated I just want to quit, quit everything. Am I afraid of success? I really wonder sometimes if I am. Fearful of letting go of that awful but familiar safety blanket.
My determination is tested almost everyday. It is true, I really do run head first into walls and then wonder why I am so stupid and spend way too much time contemplating how I got to be so stupid.
The thing is that it doesn’t matter how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up and try again, right? I’ll admit that I don’t usually feel so rosy about screwing up. I hate it, I want to be better, greater, perfect? Fudge I wish it wasn’t such a painful amount of hard fucking work to actually get back up after getting an ass kicking and face doing it all over again.
For me everyday is a determination test. Everyday life forces me to reaffirm that I really do want these dreams of mine that dangle like a carrot in front of my eyes. I get through, but some days shine brighter than others. Today was not much fun, it all seemed like too much work, a big huge maelstrom of confused unsettled energy swirled ceaselessly. But tonight, out on a solo bike ride, I stopped and stared at the sky full of stars. The dark quiet air was cold, the snow crunched underfoot, my breath froze on my beard, coyotes howled in the distance. For the first time in days my heart felt a touch of serenity. Looking up in all directions…were stars stars and more stars.