Life tends to steamroll along, gathers momentum, rushing head first along the path that holds the reigns tightest. I am guilty of holding those reigns too tight as of late. Focusing so hard on a few parts of my life, getting a head of myself and forgetting so much else. It goes to my head, the drive, the desire, the need for more that makes me get out of bed in the morning. There come those days that put it all in perspective. Plain and simple, they make you feel small.
So hard to tell, day to day, “am I being a good human, could I be better?”Today the wind whipped across the landscape with undeniable power. It filled in my own tracks minutes after leaving them behind me. It slapped my face hard every time I turned to face it. Every pedal stroke took such a large amount of effort, so much energy. All the while I struggled the Universe simply carried on. It was wonderful, it was humbling, it made me feel so so small, the problems that keep me awake at night, even smaller. The road is never ending, the potential to try never fulfilled, the quest for being as good as you can be is never ever over. It seems daunting sometimes, keeps me awake at night. Really it is all about being good, trying harder to be better and embracing the joy of being small.
Last winter I blew off skiing till sometime in February. Once I got out there and realized that I really like skiing, I was sad when the snow faded away and turned to mud. I vowed to get out there more this winter and slide around on two sticks.
Skiing is very humbling. So simple and potentially graceful. I am a hack, I can muscle and suffer through almost anything, but it isn’t pretty. It kicks my ass and even leaves me frustrated. Did a big tour with a fun group on New Years Day. It was pretty darn cool, well at least the first half of the tour.
Then I got my ass kicked on a downhill, and fell apart on the long climb afterwards. I couldn’t get the stress waiting for me at home out of my head. I was flailing along, working hard to go really slow. I wanted to quit, throw my skis into the woods. I was not impressed with myself at this moment. “Well Suck It Up Buttercup”
It really is good to get your ass kicked. To realize that you are not going to walk into everything and do it perfectly. It is OK to suck, we all start somewhere and frankly we all have so much to learn.