Sometimes I am able to step back and see how great my life is. Every once in a while I am able to appreciate how lucky I am. There have been some amazing experiences, incredible friendships, speechless moments staring at sunsets, sunrises, star lit nights. Countless adventures big and small, all of them life changing, spiritually enriching and oh of course character building!
I try so hard to live everyday, every minute with love in my heart, compassion in my thoughts, the reality of the future in my actions.
I rarely sit back and catch a ride, I am consumed by thought, always wondering, questioning, criticizing…I always want more. I am seldom ever satisfied, content. No matter how many things in my life are going well, even great, I am confronted by a deep driving desire, a burning need for more. It all tends to make me a little crazy, cranks the wires holding me together tighter still. Perhaps it is a blessing to have something there to drive me along, keep me trying, reaching? Or is it a curse to be perpetually unsatisfied, never able to just be happy?
I often wonder, do we all have the tendency to want more, to believe that the one thing out of reach is “The Thing” that will make us happy, complete? Makes one wonder what is happiness? Is it different for everyone? I guess I am not sure what is my own definition?
I am driven to push myself, to see what is inside of me and to see if that thing inside of me is capable of more. There is a need that burns to be the best I can be, to never give up till I get there. I want to be good, to do good. I so badly need to validate my existence, my consumption. To earn my place on this earth. I am not there yet, I suspect I never will.
This makes me wonder, do we all just want love? To love and be loved? Is that “The Thing” we all want? That drives us to do good, to do bad? Am I driven to do what I do only because I want to be loved for it? To fill the void inside me…
The answer is always the carrot dangling in front of our nose, perpetually out of reach. Despite the numerous drop dead gorgeous sunsets, I still want more. No matter how many times I claw my way atop an impossible plateau, I will still find myself unsatisfied. Maybe the answer is at the end of the rainbow?