Life is so weird even when it is good. Perhaps I am paranoid, or just plain crazy. I get freaked out by good days sometimes. As if I am going to pay for being happy, being alive and enjoying it. But I am afraid, afraid it just makes the fall even farther, even more dramatic. Stupid, maybe, but I do fall, always. It forces me to be humble, but also makes me grumpy, less likely to reach for the stars, and it sucks to be paranoid…it really does, it ain’t no way to live. Blah, Blah, Blah.

Today was a good day. I got to go for two bike rides. The first was with the female I can’t get enough of. It was a good, mellow, fun ride. It was still sort of early, the rain had just stopped, the trails were super smooth and tacky, the air clean and fresh. It was short and sweet, no cars, nothing but trails, birds singing and the sun poking out from the clouds. Comfortable, quiet, sweet. No better way to start the day.

The second ride was with riding buddy that I haven’t gotten to ride with much this summer. Mostly due to me racing all the time, working, dealing with my life and him working, being a family man and frankly dealing with some serious shit. But it is like no time has passed with us. We just go ride, laugh and have fun. We did a good job too, we smiled, hammered away and had such a blast. Hartman’s is riding so good, fast, tacky, simply awesome. The sun was getting low and lighting up the clouds, making the rocks glow, the filling moon stuck it’s head out of the evening sky, it was gorgeous out. We are like a couple of kids skipping school and going for an adventure. Pure fun! Riding home I wondered was this wonderful day really over?

Tomorrow it is back to work, reality, making a living. It ain’t so bad but it brings back all the things that are still there, on the table, unresolved. Thank goodness for bike rides, riding makes the stress of thinking, dealing, pondering everything much more doable. I still have no answers, no remedy to my quandaries. The fix is as much a mystery, an unknown quantity. I am still paranoid about it all unraveling, leaving me wanting today to come back, to live it again. There is so much queasy weirdness inside me. Will I let it fall apart, can I keep it together and make a difference? Truth is I am not sure. The experience of today and the joy it brought to me makes me feel like there is always a chance to try and succeed. Good days, maybe they can give me strength as well as fear. I need to look beyond what I know, seek more, try harder and see what I really am capable of. The answer lies there, I only have to get there to see what it is. So hard to remember sometimes, that like a going for a bike ride, you sometimes have to have faith and just go do it.

Racing bikes took over my life this summer and now I am depleted, tired deep down, and frankly lost without another race to focus on. Feels strange to not have some wild crazy hard ride looming over my head.  To go from having all those events taking over my thoughts, bringing me into an obsessed state of being. Then to ride, suffer and glow through them, to have that huge load of emotions boiling inside. To feel overload of adrenaline, the razor sharp edge of fight or flight twitch-y-ness that takes over your world. And now it is gone.

It feels empty, quiet, serene. But I am too tired for more racing any time soon. I can not go out and conjure up those intense experiences right now. Yet I am thinking of next season and what to do. I dreamed all this season of maybe getting sponsored, getting some help and racing a bunch again next year. Perhaps I am just tired, maybe low energy, but my self confidence is shaken and I am unsure about it all. I love bike racing and all, but the rest of my summer has been a struggle. The costs of this lifestyle has kicked my ass. I enjoy the physical toil, the simple satisfaction of being so tired you can’t think. But the mental roller coaster wore me out. The constant realization that I am broke, again, and will be unless making a living becomes more of a priority than being able to go race. 

That is where I am at right now. Pondering another summer of being a bike racing bum, barely making it every month and stressing out about money. Or trying to get a job,(or jobs more likely) that enables me to eat, pay rent and still have a few dollars left over. That means less racing, less choices as to what races I can take off to go do, working a lot more and less training. Maybe even moving somewhere else? Life is all a balance, I am terrible at it. I still have a few races burning inside, but right now I am so tired of seeing nothing in my wallet or my bank account. The punk ass kid inside me laughs at my aging desire to “sell out”, sees only continuing adventure as acceptable behavior. To be honest reality is kicking that punk’s ass, so who knows what’s gonna happen?

freshly opened beer, stale-fresh thoughts

what is next, nothing new

just dreaming,

wondering what IS next

want so much more than what is traditionally on the table

why is irregularity so hard to adjust to

 fear, why does it end up that fear rules us all

I pity myself only for I end up seeming so average

Finished the VT125 just yesterday, concluding 1325 or so miles of racing this season. It was a good run, did some lap races that I haven’t sought out in over 7 years, won the CTR, PR’ed in the VT125.  Pretty darn happy, stoked really on making it all happen, somehow barely keeping it all together. Bike racing is a lot of fun, sometimes, but it is also draining, tough on the mind and body. As anyone whose done a few long hard races knows that there is a lot that goes on in your head during these events. I know a few of us, if not all, who often wonder about doing something else, quitting, not racing anymore, going for a vacation on the beach. Wondering why it is so damned important to put ourselves through these trying, grueling, punishing experiences. This wondering hits me in every race, but not this past weekend, it hurt like hell, but I was happy. Perhaps it was because I knew it was the last race I had planned for season, the run was done.

Now I am not so sure. I haven’t signed up for another race…yet and still need a few weeks to not think, obsess about another event. It feels like a relief and yet kind of strange to Not Be Obsessed with something. I mean I am thinking about next year, what demons to chase, what races to make a priority. For one thing I learned from this season is that I can go fast, but I need to make that race a focus, not a side thought. I also need to train, really train and smart. It is so hard to balance races against one another, against holding a job, making enough money to eat and pay rent. I just don’t know what direction to go yet, hard to not want another season of racing my brains out! Right now it feels good to be satisfied, looking forward to just riding with some friends, enjoying the coming of fall, spending some more time with my dogs. But always with an eye on the horizon for what challenge is next….. 

There are some events that pull you in, plant seed in your head, keep you coming back for more and more. The Vapor Trail 125 is just such an event. Maybe it is the great riding, the super sweet volunteers, the ridiculous challenge of this ride, the fact that it benefits a good cause, Salida Mountain Trails. I have shown up 5 times now and every time it has beaten me down, made me feel small, weak, tested me and left me exhausted, sore and happy. It is about as tough a day as one can find, yet every year the field of riders gets faster.

Going into this years ride I was not sure what was gonna happen out there. I have been racing a good bit and my legs are just toast, my back is always tight and my hands perpetually numb. I got much advice leading into the VT 125 that recommended me not to ride, to rest. Good advice, but I was still hungry for more racing, riding, adventure and sometimes I am more stubborn than smart. There is also the desire to go faster, to break 16 hours, I came so close last year even getting lost and I wanted to give it a go again.

If you haven’t ridden the VT125, it is hard to put into perspective how hard, brutally punishing and wonderful it is. Starting at 10:PM you ride for 8+ hours in the dark, covering some technical and challenging trails filled with roots, rocks, tight turns, loose sandy switchbacks, a million places to die. You climb and climb and climb, sometimes convincing yourself that it will never end. There is hike a bike, there are long long dirt road grinder climbs, there is the Colorado Trail, Canyon Creek, the Crest Trail, Starvation, Silver Creek and the Rainbow Trail, so much singletrack, so much to smile about.

Well as predicted it hurt. Pretty much right off the start my legs felt like bricks, my back was on fire and my hands throbbed begging for more blood. It was painful but manageable and the miles slowly rolled under my tires as the night turned into morning, the morning into day. I had so much fun pushing hard on the Colorado Trail, I almost wanted Canyon Creek to never end that trail is just awesome even in the dark. The Crest was a pleasure as always, Starvation actually made me smile not cringe. I didn’t hate myself or the world climbing up Poncha Creek as I did last year, it still hurt but slipped behind me so much easier without the negativity, ah got to love being positive. I railed down Silver Creek and kept it smooth and fast on the Rainbow Trail, keeping the rubber side down and the miles flying by. It was a good ride, I made it in at 1:30 for 15.5 hours a personal best, stoked, but I also know I can go faster…..guess I’ll save that for next year.

Huge thanks to the crew at Absolute Bikes for the hard work of putting on this event and the amazing and sweet hearted volunteers helping us get through the day out there! Thanks to Rock N Roll for being my family and keeping me grounded. As always big big thanks to Rhett Griggs and Griggs Orthopedics for everything he and the team does for us. Team GO had a very good run out there, Jari Kirkland won the women’s race and setting a new course record! Neil Beltchenko scorched it out there nearly pulling off the win, ending up in a close second who knew Neil was This Fast! Evan Ross pulled off a great ride and pulling off 6th place. Brain Sullivan muscled through the whole damn thing with one gear and no suspension! Congratulations to all who take on this beast and finish still smiling, what a great way to spend the weekend.

Life is weird, always has been, and despite wishing for some thing more benign I expect it to stay weird. Somewhere at some point in my life, I figured if I was good at something, then life would click into place, things would line up, life would be good. Well took me forever to find out I am pretty okay at racing bikes, not all types of racing, but long hard races. It seemed like a dream come true, I could not only race a bike self supported for days on end and not die, I am able to do well.

This summer I dedicated myself to racing, racing hard, fast and long. It turned out pretty good, I mean really good. Some strong results in some laps races I have never been good at. I won the CTR, again. But I am not satisfied, I am not happy. I am tired, sore and lonely. How can I have a successful racing season and be grumpy as hell about it? Perhaps it is I that is weird, perhaps thinking there would be more to it set me up for disappointment. Never thought success would leave me too broke to buy food, make me late on rent every month and leave me feeling weird, just weird.  

So at this point in the season, August 26th to be exact, I have managed to race my bike 1200 miles. That number is not anything that crazy, not like doing the Tour Divide or anything. But not too bad for just doing 5 races. So far it is the 12 hours of Mesa Verde, The Gunnison Growler, 24 Hour Nationals, the Colorado Trail Race and the 24 Hours in the Sage. All on the same bike, all with the same drivetrain. Me and these parts have gotten to know each other quite well. So what follows is a few thoughts…

I love my bike, my Habanaro titanium 29er. It is solid, spry, climbs great, looks cool and is somewhat forgiving. But it is hardtail and I am getting older and more beat up with time.This year’s CTR renewed my quest for a full suspension bike that is light, fast and has a good sized front triangle. I am getting pummeled by the rough stuff, my bike does fine but my body is pissed off, I want some squish! Not sure where to go, like the new Giant 27.5 stuff, but just not sure yet.

I love XX1, people may bitch, as they always do about everything that is new. But I love it, I can run the twist shifter on the left side and give my battered right hand a rest. I just love the simplicity of one derailleur, one shifter, one thought, easier or harder? None of that small ring….mid ring….big ring crap, just shift. I run the 32 tooth most of the time and went to a 28 tooth for the CTR, 30 tooth for the Sage. I don’t get too crazy keeping my bike clean and the durability of the cassette has been impressive. Plus this is the ONLY bike I ride so it has a good bit of miles on it.

Love my Answer Enduro 20/20 handlebars, dumb ass name, but sweet bars. Carbon, 20 degrees of sweep, oh I like sweep. I even got bar ends on there, folks make fun of my set up, but my hands are jacked and I got to hold on somehow. But they are light enough, plenty stiff and you can keep a reasonable stem length.

Love my Rock Shox Reba 29er RLT solo air, simple, stiff, and black, oh yeah if I don’t rebuild it after every race it still keeps working.

Maxxis tires, Icon 2.2, Icon 2.35 and the Crossmark UST, have been my tires all season, not one flat in a race, not one! Just ran the 2.2 Icon EXO’s for the 24 Hours in the Sage, fast, grippy and reliable! Tubeless of course.

Erikson Sweet Post. Love Ti seatposts, seriously think it makes a hardtail so much softer to ride without any moving parts. Helps if they are 27.2 as well, big diameter seatposts on hardtails makes no damn sense to me?

Other than that I play with everything else on my bike.  I ran Formula R1 brakes for a while, worked fine, but zero rotor clearance and the lever reach was never close enough for me. Ran Mavic Crossmax St’s for over a season, tough ass wheels, but the rear hub would loosen up a little too often. Right now I am on some XO hubs laced to No Tube’s rims, Crest front Arch rear, simple, light and snappy. I have used Ergons, ESI’s, bar tape and I keep dreaming of something else?! My hands are never happy and I never stop looking for something better, I am rarely satisfied. I am a bike gear junkie, I have a room in my house filled with stuff, frames, forks, brakes, wheels, a Rohloff hub, worn out drivetrains, lights and batteries. Shoe boxes of stuff, from years of riding, seeking, testing and I am still looking.

I am addicted to bike racing. This comes to no surprise to folks that know me, but I am a bit naive and am constantly amazed how much it matters to me. Right now, even after 1200 miles of pure racing under my belt, I want more. I mean what is wrong with me, I just raced a 24 hour solo this past weekend. It hurt so damn bad, I mean from lap 2 on, it really did hurt. I did pretty good too, I should be happy, satisfied. Now I am tired, sore but I want more, I feel sad knowing that the season is fading, that I am fading and my thirst, my hunger for more adventure, more miles is still strong.

Here’s the current dilemma, I am signed up for the Vapor Trail 125, a serious ass kicker of a race next weekend. All at altitude, so many miles, tons of brutal singletrack, hike a bike, 20,000 feet of climbing! The 24 hours in the Sage last weekend kicked my ass, my back, my hands were feeling pulverized, the rest of my body sore, tight, cranky. Today I didn’t get out of bed till 10:45 am, that never happens, never. So yeah you could say I am beat up, beat down and a bit worked. Yet I want to be there September 7th and 8th, I want to go sub 16 hours really bad. I am depressed at the thought of not going, of thinking about the suffering and missing the day of riding all day. I want the experience, I want to feel drained, cooked, tired, beat down sore, plain wasted. I just can’t let go of wanting this season to be full of adventure, to be huge, to be grand year of simply taking it on, full on. Damn it, I can’t say no!

Some friends try to a talk a little sense into me, why not rest, you’ve had a great season already. I mean it would be fine to sit this one out, to go do support for it, to maybe do the CB Classic instead (or do it too!). When I think of not showing up sadness fills my heart. Just like being a kid again and giving up the freedom of summer, the adventures, the dirt filled wonder of everyday being different, to go back to the rigid life of school. Feel like I am giving up and the summer is over, all there is left is reality. If I do race I know it will hurt, it will throb like fire in my back, burn like hot lead in my legs. I will be in pain for days and days after. The problem is I want it, simple and true. I want it and I just can’t imagine not following my heart and seeking out the experience no matter how much it hurts. So cheers to addiction, at least this one is kind of healthy….