Racing bikes took over my life this summer and now I am depleted, tired deep down, and frankly lost without another race to focus on. Feels strange to not have some wild crazy hard ride looming over my head. To go from having all those events taking over my thoughts, bringing me into an obsessed state of being. Then to ride, suffer and glow through them, to have that huge load of emotions boiling inside. To feel overload of adrenaline, the razor sharp edge of fight or flight twitch-y-ness that takes over your world. And now it is gone.
It feels empty, quiet, serene. But I am too tired for more racing any time soon. I can not go out and conjure up those intense experiences right now. Yet I am thinking of next season and what to do. I dreamed all this season of maybe getting sponsored, getting some help and racing a bunch again next year. Perhaps I am just tired, maybe low energy, but my self confidence is shaken and I am unsure about it all. I love bike racing and all, but the rest of my summer has been a struggle. The costs of this lifestyle has kicked my ass. I enjoy the physical toil, the simple satisfaction of being so tired you can’t think. But the mental roller coaster wore me out. The constant realization that I am broke, again, and will be unless making a living becomes more of a priority than being able to go race.
That is where I am at right now. Pondering another summer of being a bike racing bum, barely making it every month and stressing out about money. Or trying to get a job,(or jobs more likely) that enables me to eat, pay rent and still have a few dollars left over. That means less racing, less choices as to what races I can take off to go do, working a lot more and less training. Maybe even moving somewhere else? Life is all a balance, I am terrible at it. I still have a few races burning inside, but right now I am so tired of seeing nothing in my wallet or my bank account. The punk ass kid inside me laughs at my aging desire to “sell out”, sees only continuing adventure as acceptable behavior. To be honest reality is kicking that punk’s ass, so who knows what’s gonna happen?