Life is weird, always has been, and despite wishing for some thing more benign I expect it to stay weird. Somewhere at some point in my life, I figured if I was good at something, then life would click into place, things would line up, life would be good. Well took me forever to find out I am pretty okay at racing bikes, not all types of racing, but long hard races. It seemed like a dream come true, I could not only race a bike self supported for days on end and not die, I am able to do well.
This summer I dedicated myself to racing, racing hard, fast and long. It turned out pretty good, I mean really good. Some strong results in some laps races I have never been good at. I won the CTR, again. But I am not satisfied, I am not happy. I am tired, sore and lonely. How can I have a successful racing season and be grumpy as hell about it? Perhaps it is I that is weird, perhaps thinking there would be more to it set me up for disappointment. Never thought success would leave me too broke to buy food, make me late on rent every month and leave me feeling weird, just weird.
jwookieone 
Dude I can totally relate, the loneliest time of my life was when I was racing hard. In hindsight I was totally overtraining. Take it easy on yourself!!!, relax a little more and enjoy. Get out and have some fun with friends, I think you are one of the most loved peeps in this whole world. REMEMBER THIS MY FRIEND, racing bikes is what we like, its NOT WHO WE ARE, its what we do. In the overall big picture, you are one of the coolest most down to Earth person I know, you care, are honest, and giving. That is what’s important, relax and enjoy this this beautiful life, and don’t forget to slow down and smell the flowers. ITS ALL GOOD!.
Thanks DaveMoe! easy to get caught up with the tunnel vision of going for it….just not satisfied…not sure I ever will be
Exactly what DaveMoe said. Forget the race results – they are good though for short term self esteem bumps. I’m more proud of the friendships I have fostered through racing. You made my “if he ever needs a donated kidney” list. 🙂
I’d rather give than receive….
I think you are an artist. Your medium (right word?) is ultra long bike races. You paint a unique picture with your choice of equipment, your choice not to sleep, your ability to push through pain and discomfort. You’re so good at it because you give it EVERYTHING. Your documentation of your adventures are a gift to the world that show us all what living is all about.
Heath….was soo good to see you and the family, so good, gives me some faith in the future!
Feel like an ass for not making it happen this weekend, I was in a high speed wobble for sure, I get a little absorbed in the imperfections of life and forget to go on, and seek more opportunities to grow, the little chances get swallowed by the big weirdness inside my chest..but life is a roller coaster and you have to hang on, sometimes you get to see things that make it make sense….someday it will work out, love ya!!!
Ha. I am in the exact same place right now for the exact same reasons… Can’t decide exactly how to break it to my landlord… oops?
I keep trying to be an adult….Guess I Really Am A perpetual 12 Year Old…and Now I Am Divide Dreaming….Fudge!?