addiction

I am addicted to bike racing. This comes to no surprise to folks that know me, but I am a bit naive and am constantly amazed how much it matters to me. Right now, even after 1200 miles of pure racing under my belt, I want more. I mean what is wrong with me, I just raced a 24 hour solo this past weekend. It hurt so damn bad, I mean from lap 2 on, it really did hurt. I did pretty good too, I should be happy, satisfied. Now I am tired, sore but I want more, I feel sad knowing that the season is fading, that I am fading and my thirst, my hunger for more adventure, more miles is still strong.

Here’s the current dilemma, I am signed up for the Vapor Trail 125, a serious ass kicker of a race next weekend. All at altitude, so many miles, tons of brutal singletrack, hike a bike, 20,000 feet of climbing! The 24 hours in the Sage last weekend kicked my ass, my back, my hands were feeling pulverized, the rest of my body sore, tight, cranky. Today I didn’t get out of bed till 10:45 am, that never happens, never. So yeah you could say I am beat up, beat down and a bit worked. Yet I want to be there September 7th and 8th, I want to go sub 16 hours really bad. I am depressed at the thought of not going, of thinking about the suffering and missing the day of riding all day. I want the experience, I want to feel drained, cooked, tired, beat down sore, plain wasted. I just can’t let go of wanting this season to be full of adventure, to be huge, to be grand year of simply taking it on, full on. Damn it, I can’t say no!

Some friends try to a talk a little sense into me, why not rest, you’ve had a great season already. I mean it would be fine to sit this one out, to go do support for it, to maybe do the CB Classic instead (or do it too!). When I think of not showing up sadness fills my heart. Just like being a kid again and giving up the freedom of summer, the adventures, the dirt filled wonder of everyday being different, to go back to the rigid life of school. Feel like I am giving up and the summer is over, all there is left is reality. If I do race I know it will hurt, it will throb like fire in my back, burn like hot lead in my legs. I will be in pain for days and days after. The problem is I want it, simple and true. I want it and I just can’t imagine not following my heart and seeking out the experience no matter how much it hurts. So cheers to addiction, at least this one is kind of healthy….

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