too good?

Life is so weird even when it is good. Perhaps I am paranoid, or just plain crazy. I get freaked out by good days sometimes. As if I am going to pay for being happy, being alive and enjoying it. But I am afraid, afraid it just makes the fall even farther, even more dramatic. Stupid, maybe, but I do fall, always. It forces me to be humble, but also makes me grumpy, less likely to reach for the stars, and it sucks to be paranoid…it really does, it ain’t no way to live. Blah, Blah, Blah.

Today was a good day. I got to go for two bike rides. The first was with the female I can’t get enough of. It was a good, mellow, fun ride. It was still sort of early, the rain had just stopped, the trails were super smooth and tacky, the air clean and fresh. It was short and sweet, no cars, nothing but trails, birds singing and the sun poking out from the clouds. Comfortable, quiet, sweet. No better way to start the day.

The second ride was with riding buddy that I haven’t gotten to ride with much this summer. Mostly due to me racing all the time, working, dealing with my life and him working, being a family man and frankly dealing with some serious shit. But it is like no time has passed with us. We just go ride, laugh and have fun. We did a good job too, we smiled, hammered away and had such a blast. Hartman’s is riding so good, fast, tacky, simply awesome. The sun was getting low and lighting up the clouds, making the rocks glow, the filling moon stuck it’s head out of the evening sky, it was gorgeous out. We are like a couple of kids skipping school and going for an adventure. Pure fun! Riding home I wondered was this wonderful day really over?

Tomorrow it is back to work, reality, making a living. It ain’t so bad but it brings back all the things that are still there, on the table, unresolved. Thank goodness for bike rides, riding makes the stress of thinking, dealing, pondering everything much more doable. I still have no answers, no remedy to my quandaries. The fix is as much a mystery, an unknown quantity. I am still paranoid about it all unraveling, leaving me wanting today to come back, to live it again. There is so much queasy weirdness inside me. Will I let it fall apart, can I keep it together and make a difference? Truth is I am not sure. The experience of today and the joy it brought to me makes me feel like there is always a chance to try and succeed. Good days, maybe they can give me strength as well as fear. I need to look beyond what I know, seek more, try harder and see what I really am capable of. The answer lies there, I only have to get there to see what it is. So hard to remember sometimes, that like a going for a bike ride, you sometimes have to have faith and just go do it.

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