I tend to get overwhelmed by thought. It takes me out of the now and puts me into the place of wanting things to be settled out, decided, done. Only life just doesn’t work like that, thus I struggle. It is kind of funny when I can take a step back and realize how silly it is to get so upset with not knowing the answer, when the answer comes forth in time. I have a tough time with patience, that is for sure….
Somewhere in Montana, I believe, I got bulldozed by a string of thoughts. Suddenly there was a blank slate, an empty canvas before me. It hit me that my life doesn’t have to continue as an obsessive series of races, objectives, limits to be pushed, records to be sought after and chased. At that elevated place, far from everyday reality, amongst the mountains, getting my ass kicked by the rain, it was so clear, so obvious that there was another path for me to follow. I saw a trail of creativity, of love, of exploring myself and the world not just racing through it.
It is strange how far away that seems. Life has resumed much as it was before. I go to work, I walk the dogs, I ride my bike. The difference is that I am without that drive for the next thing, I catch glimpses of it, thinking I have a grasp of what to do. Yet it slips away and I am left lost again. I am trying to be more creative, a bit of drawing, now getting back to writing a bit. Funny though how the time flies by plugging away at the everyday, life can just plain kick your ass sometimes. Now with a touch less energy it is difficult to rise up and make something, write something, often I am lucky if I get around to making dinner.
I wonder too if I am still driven to push myself as I have for so long? It is so hard to think that it could be a phase of my life that is about to close. The past 10+ years have been such a powerful, reality changing part of my life. Racing bikes, pushing myself out there in the wilderness, learning who I am and what lurks deep in the dark shadows inside. Hard to put into words how much I have learned, grown, matured and come out a better more balanced person. It is not going to be easy to walk away and leave this behind. Perhaps in the end I won’t.
That is the struggle that drains me, beats me, and occupies my mind. The empty canvas is a scary, almost threatening thing without the vision of what will come to life upon it.
Patience young grasshopper, patience….