I tend to get overwhelmed by thought. It takes me out of the now and puts me into the place of wanting things to be settled out, decided, done. Only life just doesn’t work like that, thus I struggle. It is kind of funny when I can take a step back and realize how silly it is to get so upset with not knowing the answer, when the answer comes forth in time. I have a tough time with patience, that is for sure….

Somewhere in Montana, I believe, I got bulldozed by a string of thoughts. Suddenly there was a blank slate, an empty canvas before me. It hit me that my life doesn’t have to continue as an obsessive series of races, objectives, limits to be pushed, records to be sought after and chased. At that elevated place, far from everyday reality, amongst the mountains, getting my ass kicked by the rain, it was so clear, so obvious that there was another path for me to follow.  I saw a trail of creativity, of love, of exploring myself and the world not just racing through it.

It is strange how far away that seems. Life has resumed much as it was before. I go to work, I walk the dogs, I ride my bike. The difference is that I am without that drive for the next thing, I catch glimpses of it, thinking I have a grasp of what to do. Yet it slips away and I am left lost again. I am trying to be more creative, a bit of drawing, now getting back to writing a bit. Funny though how the time flies by plugging away at the everyday, life can just plain kick your ass sometimes. Now with a touch less energy it is difficult to rise up and make something, write something, often I am lucky if I get around to making dinner. 

I wonder too if I am still driven to push myself as I have for so long? It is so hard to think that it could be a phase of my life that is about to close. The past 10+ years have been such a powerful, reality changing part of my life. Racing bikes, pushing myself out there in the wilderness, learning who I am and what lurks deep in the dark shadows inside. Hard to put into words how much I have learned, grown, matured and come out a better more balanced person. It is not going to be easy to walk away and leave this behind. Perhaps in the end I won’t. 

That is the struggle that drains me, beats me, and occupies my mind. The empty canvas is a scary, almost threatening thing without the vision of what will come to life upon it.



Patience young grasshopper, patience….



7 thoughts on “Struggle

  1. This must be what Superman experiences in the presence of Kryptonite.

    While I can’t identify with you when it comes to your level of riding and competitiveness, I can identify with you on a human level. I know what it’s like for one chapter of your life to end, and the uncertainty of not knowing what the next chapter will be. As men, we tend to find our identities in the things that we do. When things change, as they inevitably will, we begin wondering who we are when we no longer do the things that we once did.

    It’s seems to me that you are used to accomplishing big things, and now that your desire and your drive are changing, you’re wondering what the next big thing will be. Even though you expressed a great appreciation for all the little things in your life, I think it’s hard for you to be content with just those things alone. You need something else – something big that you can arise to and accomplish.

    I hope you find it.

    • I’m certainly not akin to superman…..
      And I am human, and you are correct that it is hard to find that place, especially a new one….ahh Change….so hard…
      Yeah I want to keep pushing myself one way or another….and I’m not happy with just enough….
      Thanks for reading Mike and the good words…

  2. Hey you, so I wrote and wrote last night….. So funny as I never do that. I gotta edit and spellcheck but it felt do good! Thanks for inspiring me

  3. Dude, please take this as constructive criticism: You NEED to get out of the center of your world. As David Brooks put it in his article It’s Not About You, “The purpose of life is not to find yourself, but to lose yourself.” If you are worried about the empty canvas, find a purpose bigger than you.

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