I get obsessed over things, thoughts, ideas, dreams enter my head and I can’t let go. Sometimes this works out, like preparing for races and such, I get the details nailed down, over and over again. This side of it is exciting, heart pounding fun. Sometimes it keeps me up all night, thinking about things I could have, should have done, things I could have should have said. This side is torture, painful, heart breaking…
Lately I have become obsessed with the Tour Divide, that little race from Banff to the US/Mexican border. I almost thought I was done with the damn race after my 2011 run down the spine of the continent. Alas it has returned, it haunts me, draws me forth. Sure I could resist, deny the gravity of my desire. Yet so much of my life lacks the things I want so badly, I deal with it. But the TD is something I can happen, it isn’t dependent on the whims and desires of another. It is all about my own drive, focus and hard work.
Still I do live in the real world. I have to make a living. I have to hold a job, or two. It is inescapable, it is reality. Right now I want the Tour Divide so bad I can taste the day old french fries. Yet I need to keep eating from now till then. I need to work, so I can eat, pay rent, feed my dogs when I get back. Oh the balance of feeding my dreams and desires and keeping my head above water in the “real world”.
I do not want to say no to my dreams, what else do I truly have?
No matter my desires to go beyond limits, there are limits to everything in this life, limits I am having a hard time coming to terms with….oh what a world….