Dichotomy: “the division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different.”
Yes I am a dichotomy.
Sometimes I like to think that I am entirely human, normal even most of the time. Still I feel like an outsider, not normal in drive, desire and result. So very normal, or not at all……
My drive is to go beyond, to reach, to strive to simply expand the perimeters of what it is to be human.
Reality is that I am filled with lust, desire unfulfilled, envy and jealousy. I fall victim to drunken nights, too long showers and self pity. Yes there I am, stark naked and vulnerable, so much for living the dream..
I want so much to transcend the reality of everyday. To reach beyond the lowly human needs for love, companionship, and push hard to achieve my goals.
The goals of going beyond, pushing the limits, making waves into the world of what was thought as possible.
Still I fall victim to the desire for love, attention, fulfillment?
Much of the time I find none of the above and instead find myself getting drunk…..
Why bother, why try, why not just live….good questions I ask all too often…….to maybe attain some sort of attention, appreciation for who I am, what I am. To prove to the world that I am worthy, to prove to someone that I am worthy…..worthy of what I want most…to be loved…..
I am a dichotomy, it sadness me, but I can not escape it, as much as I wish or may try…..sometimes I hate being human….