It has been 9 months of sobriety for me, the hardest stuff I do these days is a little too much strong black coffee. For the most part living clean and staying straight headed has been great. I don’t miss how alcohol or THC made me feel, never having the spins or a hangover is pretty amazing. It was a shift my mind and body were yearning for many years, and I am glad I made the change. While I feel like I am not going back, it is hard, somedays it is very hard.
Being a parent is another path I am happy to be on, I love being a dada and spending lots of time with my daughter. It is truly amazing being there as someone that was once a baby becomes a full fledged human, learning, exploring, creating, laughing, crying, screaming and all those things we do. She is an incredible person already and I am so lucky to get to be with her as she grows. Parenting is the best and the hardest job all at the same time.
It has been quite a challenge to parent and stay sober. I don’t think it is only my experience. For me, in order to stay successfully sober I need to fill the void left behind from not numbing yourself with something else, something that actually fills that place and makes you feel good. For me that something has always been exercise, especially riding. When you are a parent you can’t just slip to the door and go hammer the pedals till you feel good, but you could pour yourself a drink or sneak outside for a smoke…. So often you only get 2-30 minute windows to do something that isn’t a playing a game, making food, cleaning something up, or wiping a butt. Just enough time to numb yourself, but not enough to do much else except look at insta or ponder what you have done to your life.
These are the choices I have made and while some of my naive expectations didn’t come true, I am sticking to them. Cause life is better sober, and I am so proud of the daughter I am helping to raise. I write these words to clear the air in my head and to maybe warn those thinking about children, you think it will be like this or you will be like that, it isn’t easy or cut and dry. There are times when you regret it (and cry inside feeling this) and times you can’t imagine doing anything else, often in the same afternoon. More often you will spend more time washing dishes than pursuing your own interests, it isn’t all bad, but some days it is easier to swallow the others.
I’ll be sober 10 months on 1/15/23. So much of what you wrote about really hit deep. “Hammering the pedals” has been one of the most important aspects of getting sober, but right around 9 months I had to look deep and think about how to diversify my tools for sobriety. Completely agree with your conclusion that it’s not easy to be sober. Not even bad but…mundane. Yet, sobriety is a better reality than the alcohol-soaked one I was living before.
Riding Pinyons and Pines this May to celebrate over a year sober. First bikepacking race. Hoping it will feel like some version of finally turning the page on a ugly chapter of life. Thank you for your words, it’s not always an easy thing to talk about. Reading this post made me feel a lot less alone.
Hell yay on 10 months. It feels pretty lonely for sure, but so much better than the alternative. Stay strong and best of luck in pinyons and pines, I hope to ride that one sometime, amazing area. Hollar at me if you need help prepping for your first BP race, happy to help. Thanks for reading and your comment, means a lot that someone gets it.