2025 CTR Group Start: Durango, 4:AM. August 10th, 2025.*

Group Start is Limited to 74 riders, There is No Formal Registration! These 74 slots will open a month before the group start. A link will be posted here and at the CTR Facebook page to get on that list, but not till a month out! Individual Time Trials are welcome anytime outside of 24 hours of the race. This year there will be a mandatory $50 donation to the Colorado Trail Foundation trail crew program to get on the list. More on that as we get closer.

The Colorado Trail Race is a self supported bike ride. The specific rules for the CTR are here: https://jwookieone.com/colorado-trail-race/colorado-trail-race-rules/ Know the rules it is the riders responsibility! Ther rules are there to keep it equal among riders, maintain the ethos of self supported racing and minimize impact to the trail. We call it a race, but really is an adventure! Be smart, be safe, be responsible for yourself, you are on your own out there and you should be able to deal with weather, mechanicals. injuries, etc.

The CTR wants to stress that we are guests on this trail and on the land we traverse. CTR racers do not have any more clout on the trail than anyone else. There are hundreds of other trail users doing a similar thing and they are all equally special and awesome, so don’t make your race take away from some else’s experience out there! Practice yielding to others and leaving no trace, “racing” does not excuse you from proper behavior on the trail.

A quick bit about rules and such. If you do not want to strictly follow the CTR rules, or the CTR course, or want to take your time on the CT, please consider touring it or simply riding it on your own. Riding the Colorado Trail is just as amazing of an experience as racing it and allows many riders the flexibility to perhaps have a better time. To be clear, there are lots of ways to experience the CT outside of the race and all the rules, start time, etc, that go along with it. Want to take a film crew and make a movie, or have family and friends meet you at trailheads, go for it, but not as part of the CTR. Want to skip a few sections, why not, but don’t compare yourself to those who ride 100% of the course. There are plenty of opportunities and ways to ride the CT and the CTR is just one of them and is focused on a self supported, go as fast as you can style on the prescribed course. 

Course is most likely the same as past years, will have an updated GPX at some point, but older files should be fine for research purposes.

Lots of info out there, do your research!!!

*exact group start location in Durango will be announced closer to the race.

I woke up this morning before my alarm, as I lay in bed cozy and warm I started to think about my Mom.

Being a parent is perhaps the hardest thing one can try to do well. There are so many opportunities to do good and to also really mess up. I try to be the best dad I can be, every minute of every day. It is exhausting and the sacrifice is deep, but I took on this job and I want to do the best I can. We as parents can do so much to help out kids be prepared for the world out there. Most parents are very just people and people have a hard time letting go of everything else and caring for a child. We carry our garbage around and install problems into our kids. My parents didn’t do a great job of this with me.

I was not ready for the world out there, I still am not. I carry so much of my pain around with me. Pain that went unresolved cause I never understood why I ended up such a lonely and scared little boy. The adults chose and I was heart broken for so much of my youth. My dad was rigid, strict and a little scary to me as a sensitive boy. I clung to my encouraging mother, then she was gone. Life changed, I learned to be quiet, and collected. Keep your emotions inside, show only strength.

It took years of self reflecting and acceptance to just allow this to be real. As a 3 year old, I unknowingly took the burden on of my parents divorce and carried it in my heart. What a world! It took so long to realize that just cause two people have children doesn’t mean that they can be together. Again being a parent myself has shown me how hard it is to be present, to not bring your own baggage, to keep your own emotions out of it. Now I can appreciate that my parents probably tried, it is was hard and it kicked their ass.

While my Mom and I had a pretty good adult relationship, we never really delved into the past much. We both avoided that painful mess, but now I wish so much that we talked about it. I wish so much that I talked to her more about everything. My mom was not perfect, far from it, she had a hard time being a mom unless she wanted to be. I get that now and have the capacity to accept this. I can not tell you how much I wanted to talk to her over the past 9 months. Oh man how I wish I could sit with her and say all this. Oh how I wish I could hold her hand, give her my love, understanding and say to say goodbye.

Do me a huge favor, if you still can, call your Mom, tell her I say hi!

Early today the 2024 CTR sped off into the darkness of early morning. 70 riders all headed out with dreams in their heads and nerves ringing through their bodies. With the forecast looking wet, could be an epic one this year, but the CT dishes it out a plenty even in nice years, so the stories will tell…

The CTR is a labor of love, I love the Colorado Trail and the race has given me so many experiences that are such a part of me. That is why I do it, to give to this amazing possibility that is out there, to share it with others and to do the best we can to limit our impacts. It is work and it consumes my time and sometimes its just a bit too much answering another email, or getting someone set to track at the very last minute. It can be so frustrating when you really want to go ride, but you answer emails and edit tracks instead.

I miss the racing. I miss having that goal to keep me focused and moving. All the planning, even though exhausting, can be so satisfying when it works out. There is something about dedicating time to do something that is powerful. It is especially rewarding if you finish the damn thing, tired you may be, but full of knowing you did it.

Life is full. So Full. Work, so much working, owning a business is hard AF. Parenting. Husbanding. Chores, chores, projects, chores. The Dog. The House. The Garden. I want to do it all well, and that takes time. Right now it takes pretty much all my time. I tried really hard to keep riding, sort of training…almost, but it wiped me out and I didn’t ride for almost a month cause I was so tired and burnt out. That wasn’t good.

I kept the dream of being an athlete alive, I tried hard, I raced Hard, and always working hard too, years and years of all that has been taking a toll on me. Every year riding has less consistent, just so many priorities taking precedence. Thankfully my body still mostly wants to ride, just about the time and energy to do it. Without that consistency it is really hard to stay in shape and doing Ultras requires you to be in some kind of condition, or you just hurt yourself. It is a bitter pill I am not ready to swallow, but reality hit hard this summer, life just kicked my ass and I got nothing in the tank.

When my body doesn’t do what I ask it, I get super depressed. I ask a lot of it, but I still want it to fly when I ask it to fly. Think I asked a few too many times and now rest might be more of what is in my future. I hope I can find a happy place about it.

I got through today, it wasn’t easy but I kept it together. Last night as I was trying to go to sleep, the idea of getting through today seemed impossible.

I had just turned out the lights and was about to read a book to Lillian, when I saw headlights in the driveway and a headlamp headed to the side door. Not the usual for our house and I greeted Officer Beda at the door. He asked if I was the son of Kathleen Branham of Brighton Colorado? I said I was, and he told me that my mother was found dead on her couch. Standing right there, 9:PM, in the cold ass Gunnison air, in my boxers. I was in shock, I got the numbers for the coroner, thanked the officer for doing such a hard job and I walked back inside to tell Rachel.

I got a hold of the coroner and began the process of getting my info and as much as I knew about my mom, and her last few days. In the midst of getting the details I broke down and had to leave the room. I will never be the same again.

In the midst of opening the Dilly Deli and trying to rebound from a winter of only working, I really neglected to check in on Kay. I was so wound up, spun out, and exhausted, I just didn’t feel like I had the band width to do anything else. I sent her videos of Lillian and little texts about missing her, but I didn’t call or make the trip.

I wish I could have been a better son…

I got through today, but I am somewhat disappointed that once again, I have rallied for the sake of work. I forgot to return to humanity and went to work and pretended it was all just fine. What is gone wrong with me that work is so fucking important, that doing a good job is more important than feeling. Stifling emotion for the sake of normalcy. What reality have I created for myself?

After we closed and locked the doors to the deli, I was no longer able to hold back all the emotions, the doubt, and guilt. It is so incredibly painful to know I won’t get to talk to my mom again, never, not once. We won’t sit rocking on her old farmhouse porch, drinking beers and talking for a whole day. She won’t be there with bacon and ice cream to pick me up after the CTR. My number one fan is gone. What a door to have closed in your face!

Last August we Gunnison Branham’s went to visit my mom and spend some time hanging out. It was a fun visit. Lillian and Kay had a great time and really got to connect, it was so wonderful to be there to witness. Overall we had a good time, but after learning my mom had fallen and hurt her shoulder, and did nothing but deal with it. I began to see that my mom was getting older, not just age but seeing the hardships and tasks one can’t quite do sore, tired, and alone. My mom was too stubborn to ask for much help and would just suffer whatever it was. After our visit, I had this thought to ask my mom to move to Gunnison so we could be there for her. I don’t think she would have gone for the idea, but I never got around to asking, I never even asked her. I didn’t want my mom to be alone, but I didn’t get around to doing anything cause I really didn’t believe she was going anywhere.

I assumed we had more time. I always thought there would be another opportunity, another time, another year.

The aching sadness that is eating me is gut wrenching, I am finding it hard to breath over and over, all day long I keep gasping for air. It is incredible pain. So harsh it makes you think differently, see other perspectives. I see so much of the stubborn, self-suffering, do it alone attitude my mom seems to have, in myself. I am guilty of going it alone and stoically not asking for any help, I see now so much of that is both me and my mom. The in-ability to tolerate others makes one feel very lonely, but better alone.

!My mom’s and I relationship hasn’t always been perfect. There was a big chunk of my adolescents were I didn’t see her much at all. It wasn’t till I moved out to Colorado when I was 19, that we started to have a relationship again. But we did, it was awkward at times but we learned to talk, we learned about and loved each other. We created an adult relationship out of the ashes of a not so perfect start. After got over my anxiety, it was very relaxing to hang out with my mom as an adult, it gave me so much confidence to be myself!

When I started backpacking my mom was a supporter. When I started endurance racing my mom was a supporter. There late in my life, Kay rose up and supported me when it didn’t seem like anyone else understood what I was doing with myself and many told me so. I was searching for something to test me and everyone else thought I was wasting my time and energy. Meanwhile my mom was there, routing for me, supporting me, telling me I was amazing, that I was a super hero. When I started getting more and more into the endurance stuff my mom was so into it. Rides to the starts of races, pocket cash for the race, sending me newspaper clippings about my results, being there when I sucked and was so disappointed. It felt amazing to have such a support crew.

When Rachel came into my life, it seems like my mom took a back seat. Think my mom took a step back in my life and never really stepped back up, maybe she thought her job was finally done. I was so busy trying to be me and a good man friend, that I didn’t revisit the change in our relationship. Then Lillian happened, I really thought once there was a granddaughter, my mom would be back to engaged. Yet once there was a child, there was even less time and energy on my part, and we let things drift and the last few years I have spent little time with my mom. I was hoping the visit in august would help boost things, and while it was obvious that Kay loved Lillian so much, Kay wasn’t coming out of her shell.

I am crushed, I miss my mom so much, there really isn’t words for this. I wish I could talk to her or hold her hand. I wish so much that I could have been there for her at the end, it hurts me so much to think of her suffering alone, god I wish I could of held her hand. Instead here we are in an imperfect circle wishing for things to be round. I want her to know I forgive everything, that I love and respect her for the life she lived.

Kay I love you so much and thank you so much for being my mother, my biggest fan and my favorite person to drink beer with. Hope somewhere all the dogs and cats you loved get to give you kisses!!!

I woke up early this morning, and for the first time in months I didn’t feel the vacuum of exhaustion open its jaws to swallow up my tired being. I felt like I might have the energy to get up before it was necessary to, like I could maybe get up and do something! It has been a long journey to get where I am now, so much has happened, so much time since this space got any fresh updates so here we go.

I think about how I used to have so much time. So much that I would spend hours doing not much of anything, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, doodling, hanging out, but I also read many books and wrote a little. This was a long time ago, back when I wasn’t all that inspired to do much with myself, still looking for what it was I wanted pursue.

Once the whole endurance thing came into my life I was not so chill, I was either working, sleeping, or out doing something with my body. I was now consuming my time and often burning the candle at both ends trying to do it all. I worked two jobs, slept little, ate tremendous amounts of food, drank a ton of coffee, and was always trying to be moving. It was a exhaustively active time of my life, I would often work right up to events, race without sleep, and get right back to work. There were times it was really taking a lot out of me, but it also felt amazing to be so dedicated to my passion.

Ten years ago life really started to change again. About a month after my 2014 Tour Divide run, while I was still sore, tired and burnt out, Rachel randomly popped up in Gunny on a road trip. Well things clicked and next thing ya know we moved in together! We lived a semi-dirt bag lifestyle for a few years, riding bikes, working, camping, playing with dogs, and then we made a Lillian! Time really accelerated over the next 8 months as we got our shit together and scraped, begged, and borrowed enough to buy a house all while Rachel was pregnant and I was working all the time. We started moving in and Lillian was born three days later. It was such a blur.

I feel like I have been trying to catch up since. I have learned that taking care of a 140 year old house and a family is enough to keep me busy, but I keep trying to squeeze a bit more. I managed to do a few races from 2019 on, but it is a lot harder to be prepared with how much energy I have left at the end of most days. After the 2022 Arizona Trail Race kicked my butt, I realized I still have the skills, and I can still dig deep, but without adequate time on the bike, it is so much harder. This has been a very hard thing for me, I miss riding my bike, I miss feeling like an athlete.

In September the Firebrand announced they were going to close their doors for good, this was a surprise to all. After 28 years it was time. Rachel immediately started asking me if we should take over their lease. I immediately started saying no way! My wife is quite persuasive and somehow I started saying yes. We took the keys to the place January 1st and have been working on it since. Demos, floors, a lunch counter, baseboards, lots of paint, a new stove and grill, so much cleaning and organizing. The menu, recipes, cooking, systems, ordering, storing. We have even hired and trained people!

After so many, many long days of work, we opened the Dilly Deli 3/14/24. That first day we got worked, but we learned a lot, we continue to learn and implement. It is going quite well really, we have only 7 days of operation under us, but have the making of the food more or less figured out. It is a matter of getting better at training and scheduling employees so we don’t have to be there all day.

Today is my fourth day off since mid January, I spent all of yesterday sleeping or helping with Lillian’s 5th birthday party! It was fun, but I am so tired from the work week that I need extra rest. That funny time again, where is it? I am hoping to find some in the near future to return to feeling like a human again, I am much happier and healthier when I am.

Made it to the 2023 CTR start line a few days ago and as anyone whose signed up for a big effort can attest, getting to the start line is half the battle. The preparation process is a bit more complicated for me cause, I am also organizing, answering questions, putting out little fires, etc. Amazingly after lots of deep breaths and emails we were off and rolling towards Denver.

The start of the CT out of Durango is a beast. So much climbing right from the get go and with my mediocre level of fitness, it was difficult to keep a fast pace as my legs were filling up with crampies. I forced myself to stay in a zone my body could sort of handle, that meant letting go of expectations and ego driven needs. As someone who has been ultra competitive in this race, it was a big shift that allowed me to relax and let go of that side of racing. Instead I really enjoyed the company of my fellow racers, I smiled a lot out there once I found this happy place of being competitive but just rolling with what comes.

After a long day of pushing out of Durango, dodging a few rain drops, laughing with my fellow racers, passing through a sweet sunset, and riding some amazing trail, I rolled through Silverton and started climbing the massive Stony Pass. I stopped at 12:30am, about 2/3rds the way up for an hour and 35 minute nap, got up and busted it over the pass and into segment 23, Cataract Ridge. Steep, tight, twisty single track winding through the San Juans at 12,000-13,000′. Traversing this is exhausting work, but this might be the most amazing section of the CT. Got to watch an glorious, sky glowing sunrise while nippling on cookies, feeling like everything was alright!

Then coming off of West Lost Creek Pass after Cataract Lake, I tried to ride a funky rock line over stream crossing, lost my front tire and splatted myself into some rocks. I hit the rocks and felt something snap in my left wrist and a surge of intense pain shot through that hand. I also managed to punch the ground with my right hand and now my middle finger knuckle is swelling up and not bending. In a typical post crash move, I hoped right back on my bike as if nothing happened. I made it 4 feet before my hand sent out waves of pain that sent me into shock. I could feel my legs turning to wood, my heart was racing, it was difficult to breath, the mountains started spinning and going dark. I barely was able to controllably sit down. I sat taking deep breaths, deep breaths, and once the shock faded I pondered my situation.

Now I had problem. I had about 5 miles of trail to get to Wager Gulch, then it was either keep going up Coney’s, or bail off course down Wager. Should I stay or should I go? I hiked my bike gingerly towards Wager, I tried a few times to ride, but no matter how or where I gripped the bars it was excruciating to ride. Reality was sinking in, I can’t ride anymore?! Tears bursted out as I realized this was probably the end of my ride. I sat at the top of Carson Saddle and ate more cookies, I stared at that climb up to Coney’s. I tested my hand again, maybe it just needed a rest? Even on a smoother road surface I couldn’t hold on with my left hand, and my right middle finger made my right grip not great. I could barely hold onto my bike and I was still at 11,000′ up a steep rocky dirt road. WTF am I gonna do?

After making myself crazy thinking about my situation I forced myself to start the walk down Wager Gulch. I felt like I was letting everyone down bailing from the course, I wanted to be sharing the suffering with my CTR peeps! It is truly hard to just stop while having an experience like the CTR. The mindset it takes to race the CT is quite a shift away from normal life, and you don’t just shut it down and walk away. Quitting was making my stomach turn, but I knew it was time for action, even if I didn’t like it. So down I walked for hours, that steep rocky jeep road making me wince the whole way. I finally made it to the bottom where there is a good gravel road that I could sort of ride with one hand and I made my way to a friends house. I fell asleep the shade and dreamed of the CT.

I am now home, I have eaten my fill, showered and got some X-rays. Looks like a possible scaphoid fracture, but they aren’t 100% sure as there are some old fractures showing up on the images. Ortho appointment tomorrow to get it sorted and start the healing. Last night was rough, my hand was throbbing like mad. I couldn’t really sleep, even tho I was exhausted from the past few days. Now I am still reeling, the switch from being immersed in the CTR mindset to sitting around unable to do much, feels very unsatisfying. Leaving such a powerful experience feels empty and weird and despite my very unhappy hands I really wish I was out there living it.

Even though it was on the calendar, racing the CTR this year wasn’t looking that reasonable of a possibility. Life is busy, busy and I don’t get a ton of rest just doing the normal everyday routine, so adding in training for an ultra is asking a lot of myself and my family. I have been pulling off some decent results coming from similar place of half fitness, for a few years, but it is hard. It hurts more putting in those huge days of so much climbing and hiking with a loaded bike, without the body being conditioned for it. The recovery takes longer too, I am a mess for a while after these big rides. The CTR is especially tricky as I also have a lot of tasks as RD to attend to as well.

Still I found myself thinking about some of the big, gnarly climbs on the CTR course and wanting to feel the burn of being out there working so hard. Picturing in detail the big one out of Junction creek right off the bat, the wall of Stoney Pass, the endless rolls of Cataract and Coney’s, the seemingly evil of the Cochetopa Hills, the Achilles straining hike and brake burning bounce up and over 10 Mile. I was not flinching as I daydreamed about some of the monsters of the CT, it was time again to run my version of the “P”.

I got 5 weeks to polish up what ever fitness I have and get my gear checked over and then trimmed down. I have the support of my family, so I hope to carve out a few more hours a week to do all the things. Hats off to all the folks jumping into these events from a busy life full of work, family, etc. Getting to the start line is not an easy feat in itself, but to have all the prep done, the fitness as good as can be and still have the energy to try and race 530 miles of the CT is something else. So hope to be in Durango in about 5 weeks with my bike loaded ready for another great adventure.

Headed back to the old Grand Loop in a few days, 360 self supported miles through Western Colorado and Eastern Utah. Route almost killed me in 2006, it was my first bikepacking race and it was so hot, there was no GPS track and I carried 100% of my calories, heavy pack! I got worked out there, it was hard, but I learned so much and fell for this crazy pursuit. Went back with a few folks in 2009 and the route was amazing, I was much better prepared, didn’t get lost that much, and it was cooler and actually a bit wet. I felt so much faster without all the mistakes and was able to appreciate the beauty out there. 2009 was so amazing and yet I still haven’t been back, well I seem to remember that the Grand Loop is also a wicked, mean ass kicker.

Well some crazy soul is bringing the event back, and how could I say no? Well lots of reasons, but the chance to race so close to home on such an iconic route is hard to pass up. I got the bike set, the gear sorted and packed, a good bit of my food is packed and I have done a bit of route study. My stuff is ready to go. The rider may not be as sorted and prepared as my check lists may indicate, more like a check light going off. Life is full of a wild child, a wild dog, a busy wife, and a house and yard. After 4 years I am still amazed at the energy it takes to keep up with all that, most weeks I am so busy with all the things I don’t take the best care of myself. Been trying to do a little less rather than force more, so I have been not riding that much. I still feel such a strong pull to get out there and see what I can do, so ready or not here I come!

Folks can follow along: http://trackleaders.com/grandloop23

One year, 12 months, 365 days sober! Almost can’t believe it. I tried before in the past to give that shit up, this time I really did it. Seems like much longer period of time, and it also feels like just the start. It has been hard, really hard sometimes. I have felt a desire to drown my sorrows, my pain, my discomfort in numbness over the past year. Yet 365 times I chose to be strong and resilient in my path forward. It is challenging to not go “there” when things seem overwhelming, or you just want a god damn break from all that thinking and feeling. That is what would always get me in the past, feeling overwhelmingly sad and just wanting it to stop.

I have gotten better at talking, I stumbled and minced my words much more before. I feel less awkward when having a conversation. Funny thing is I have even less desire to be social, in retrospect going out and going to parties was tolerable cause it was somewhat acceptable to get blasted. I am finding I much prefer interactions with others in a one on one scenario, rather than in a room full of noise and many conversations. I have never been much of an extrovert and now I am hard pressed to see much reason to go out, it is especially weird being one of the only sober folks.

Think I am a better person, also a better parent. I feel in touch with what is happening in my brain and not letting it come out in guiding my child. We all pass on some of our worst bullshit to our kids. Clouding our minds makes this distinction so much harder to make, I can see so much more clearly now than when numb. I am not trying to judge, but holy shit it is easy to bury things and redirect things when you can mask it over in your mind.

So much has come to light being sober, (funny that we have to label the experience of not being under the influence.) There was some heavy foreboding before I made this choice, there was a lot I was not dealing with, not recognizing in myself and my life. In fact I was drinking and smoking to keep those realizations further away from me. There are moments when I have so much regret for not making this change earlier in life, I tried a few times, but never made it stick. Looking back, I feel like much better things could have happened, that I would have made more of some opportunities that I passed up. That energy is in my head and I am using to stay the course and work to make things happen now.

Temptation is everywhere in our world and it was difficult to say no over the past year, I mean I work in a bike shop where folks tip me with beer and we serve alcohol. Everyday we have choices and I have zero regrets in mine. As hard as it continues to be at times, I have less and less desire to numb myself with everyday of going forth on this path. The struggle to be sober is less of a fine line, after a year it feels very normal.

I am not here to brag or preach. It is honestly embarrassing to me that I was such a mess and was wanting to change for so long. I am saying this to support someone who might want to change their own path, You Can Do It! It can be hard, but we are stronger than we think, do not limit yourself to the habits of the past. We can change our ways and still be ourselves. Give yourself a chance, have faith in yourself and what you can do and it gets really does get easier after a while. Find other things to do, read, draw, create, exercise, play music, sing, write. So much good you can let out and almost nothing is actually better when fucked up, I know I used to think and act like it was. I am more creative and have a lot of fun without the drugs and alcohol getting in the way. Also, not having a hangover for a whole year is worth it alone. Stop poisoning yourself to get through the days, go out and live for yourself instead.

Action Jackson, JBuddy, my Sunbeam.

You have only been gone for a for a short time and I miss you so much. Your following eyes watching me as I move about the house, the click clack of your nails on the floor. The last couple months of your life were a challenge, but you were always a bit of work. It was so hard to watch you wither away, losing all that muscle that carried you blazing fast through the sage. Everyday I tried to keep my frustration at cleaning up your urine and poop to myself, as the meds messed up your system as they also gave you some comfort. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye and I was hopeful that you would get strong again.

You came Ito my life almost by accident, I wasn’t looking for a pitbull mix, I wanted another cow dog. They called you a border collie mix, that will always make me laugh. You were in a kill shelter and needed a home pretty badly, so through lots of efforts from lots of people you ended up coming home with me. You were a Pit-Bull-Dozer, strong, aggressive and fast. You caused me lots of heartache and trouble, breaking out of the house and ending up in doggy jail, I had to save your life again begging the judge to let me take you home. You got skunked, quilled by porcupines, and disappeared on walks all the time. You required a lot of attention and alert eyes to keep you out of trouble.

I will always remember that look in your eyes the first time I let you off the leash to run. It was pure joy. I could hear every part of you singing with happiness as you ran, sniffed and, explored. It was wonderful to behold and you were always that happy when we were out walking. We shared that love of just being out there moving through the landscape, I miss it so much. We were wild and free and happy just hiking through the sage.

I hope I gave you the life you deserved and all the love you needed. I will always hold a place in my heart for you and I will forever remember your happy running face, your satisfied body in a sunbeam, and the gregarious way you lived.