I got through today, it wasn’t easy but I kept it together. Last night as I was trying to go to sleep, the idea of getting through today seemed impossible.

I had just turned out the lights and was about to read a book to Lillian, when I saw headlights in the driveway and a headlamp headed to the side door. Not the usual for our house and I greeted Officer Beda at the door. He asked if I was the son of Kathleen Branham of Brighton Colorado? I said I was, and he told me that my mother was found dead on her couch. Standing right there, 9:PM, in the cold ass Gunnison air, in my boxers. I was in shock, I got the numbers for the coroner, thanked the officer for doing such a hard job and I walked back inside to tell Rachel.

I got a hold of the coroner and began the process of getting my info and as much as I knew about my mom, and her last few days. In the midst of getting the details I broke down and had to leave the room. I will never be the same again.

In the midst of opening the Dilly Deli and trying to rebound from a winter of only working, I really neglected to check in on Kay. I was so wound up, spun out, and exhausted, I just didn’t feel like I had the band width to do anything else. I sent her videos of Lillian and little texts about missing her, but I didn’t call or make the trip.

I wish I could have been a better son…

I got through today, but I am somewhat disappointed that once again, I have rallied for the sake of work. I forgot to return to humanity and went to work and pretended it was all just fine. What is gone wrong with me that work is so fucking important, that doing a good job is more important than feeling. Stifling emotion for the sake of normalcy. What reality have I created for myself?

After we closed and locked the doors to the deli, I was no longer able to hold back all the emotions, the doubt, and guilt. It is so incredibly painful to know I won’t get to talk to my mom again, never, not once. We won’t sit rocking on her old farmhouse porch, drinking beers and talking for a whole day. She won’t be there with bacon and ice cream to pick me up after the CTR. My number one fan is gone. What a door to have closed in your face!

Last August we Gunnison Branham’s went to visit my mom and spend some time hanging out. It was a fun visit. Lillian and Kay had a great time and really got to connect, it was so wonderful to be there to witness. Overall we had a good time, but after learning my mom had fallen and hurt her shoulder, and did nothing but deal with it. I began to see that my mom was getting older, not just age but seeing the hardships and tasks one can’t quite do sore, tired, and alone. My mom was too stubborn to ask for much help and would just suffer whatever it was. After our visit, I had this thought to ask my mom to move to Gunnison so we could be there for her. I don’t think she would have gone for the idea, but I never got around to asking, I never even asked her. I didn’t want my mom to be alone, but I didn’t get around to doing anything cause I really didn’t believe she was going anywhere.

I assumed we had more time. I always thought there would be another opportunity, another time, another year.

The aching sadness that is eating me is gut wrenching, I am finding it hard to breath over and over, all day long I keep gasping for air. It is incredible pain. So harsh it makes you think differently, see other perspectives. I see so much of the stubborn, self-suffering, do it alone attitude my mom seems to have, in myself. I am guilty of going it alone and stoically not asking for any help, I see now so much of that is both me and my mom. The in-ability to tolerate others makes one feel very lonely, but better alone.

!My mom’s and I relationship hasn’t always been perfect. There was a big chunk of my adolescents were I didn’t see her much at all. It wasn’t till I moved out to Colorado when I was 19, that we started to have a relationship again. But we did, it was awkward at times but we learned to talk, we learned about and loved each other. We created an adult relationship out of the ashes of a not so perfect start. After got over my anxiety, it was very relaxing to hang out with my mom as an adult, it gave me so much confidence to be myself!

When I started backpacking my mom was a supporter. When I started endurance racing my mom was a supporter. There late in my life, Kay rose up and supported me when it didn’t seem like anyone else understood what I was doing with myself and many told me so. I was searching for something to test me and everyone else thought I was wasting my time and energy. Meanwhile my mom was there, routing for me, supporting me, telling me I was amazing, that I was a super hero. When I started getting more and more into the endurance stuff my mom was so into it. Rides to the starts of races, pocket cash for the race, sending me newspaper clippings about my results, being there when I sucked and was so disappointed. It felt amazing to have such a support crew.

When Rachel came into my life, it seems like my mom took a back seat. Think my mom took a step back in my life and never really stepped back up, maybe she thought her job was finally done. I was so busy trying to be me and a good man friend, that I didn’t revisit the change in our relationship. Then Lillian happened, I really thought once there was a granddaughter, my mom would be back to engaged. Yet once there was a child, there was even less time and energy on my part, and we let things drift and the last few years I have spent little time with my mom. I was hoping the visit in august would help boost things, and while it was obvious that Kay loved Lillian so much, Kay wasn’t coming out of her shell.

I am crushed, I miss my mom so much, there really isn’t words for this. I wish I could talk to her or hold her hand. I wish so much that I could have been there for her at the end, it hurts me so much to think of her suffering alone, god I wish I could of held her hand. Instead here we are in an imperfect circle wishing for things to be round. I want her to know I forgive everything, that I love and respect her for the life she lived.

Kay I love you so much and thank you so much for being my mother, my biggest fan and my favorite person to drink beer with. Hope somewhere all the dogs and cats you loved get to give you kisses!!!