Much has been written about the Tour Divide. Seems everyone that toes the line writes a blog, a book or contributes to a collection of stories. There is much inspiration out there so it is no surprise that folks want to share their trip, and yet the experience is very personal. I rode all but a few minutes of the race alone with my thoughts, dreams, heartaches, bright and dark moments. On all those long lonely roads, so many hours and hours spent riding without sleep, smashing brain cells together on those the rough descents, as well endless heartbreaking moments that challenge your preconceived dreams of what the experience will be, I delved deeper than ever before. Every experience can be life changing, the TD is no exception.

The result of all this thought, pain, suffering and introspection is hard to summarize. Too much information to boil down, yet the simple message I got was, Slow Down, Chill Out, Sip the Coffee and Smell the Flowers. I have been madly chasing this dream of pushing my limits, striving to see what I am capable of, how hard and fast I can go for quite a few years. I have exceeded my dreams of what I thought was possible from anyone, much less me. I still see myself as a regular working guy that likes to test himself a few times a year, right now I am thinking those tests are going to be farther and farther apart and I am perfectly happy with that!

Over the next few days I’m gonna try and write a little blip about my TD experience, from start to finish. It might take a bit as I am still tired and it is hard to write with my legs elevated up a wall.

Yes it hurts, it hurts real bad, the pain started on day one and is only getting worse even now that I am no longer riding. Ah yes the lives we chose says volumes about ourselves….more to come I promise!

Have been neglecting my blog lately. Actually been neglecting more than that. So many things are getting put aside and left for that future moment that never really comes. Pretty important things like sleeping, stretching, recovering, playing with my dogs, paying bills, cleaning my poor house are just not getting done, not even close!

With the TD looming bigger and bigger as it gets closer to show time, I am scrabbling to get everything dotted and crossed. I am sewing, building and frankly still scratching my head, damn thought I’d have this all figured out by now! Haven’t even looked at a map in over a month…well the course is gonna change anyways right?

Thing is every time I think there will be a free weekend, day off, something wonderful like that, I get suckered in. Guess I used to be such a recluse that now I am trying to make up for it and now I have a hard time saying NO! Coaching one weekend, racing 12 hours on another, planning a new trail another and volunteering to support the Growler just this past Saturday and Sunday has eaten up every spare day I wasn’t at work. Throw in training my poor body and hanging out with my dogs and it is no wonder I don’t sleep much….

I get panic crazy heart racing stress sometimes when I let things get so far out of hand. Thing is I have to just get one thing done at a time and it slowly all gets checked off the list…well I am still not sleeping much….

Yet there were times in my life when I didn’t do much, drank, got stoned, sat around way too much. Sometimes I miss that lackadaisical sort of living, mostly I am happy to have the drive and desire to do more, reach, dream and help out. Feels good to change someones day, make yourself useful and still keep your own dream alive.

blue mesa sunset

After a long weekend of the Gunnison Growler I got out for ride. It was wonderful, cool, dark, mostly quiet and so good for my head. Life is good, but you got to make it happen.

aberdeen at night

“When I die, I want to be all used up” Hell Yeah

“It’s Gonna Be A Knife Fight Out There” Spoke my friend and fellow racing addict, Jeff Hemperly, El Freako from Rico, mere minutes before the running start of the 2014 12 Hours Of Mesa Verde. It was an apt description for the rest of the day.

Bike racing is a funny thing. When you do well it is the best high in the world, you feel like you can do anything afterwards. That was what it felt like after last years Mesa Verde. I went into it with low expectations, just wanted to race, get in some fast fun miles, represent Griggs Orthopedics, my new team. It wasn’t easy by any means, it hurt, it was hard, but I had a ton of fun and somehow managed to get fifth and a place on the podium. Stoke factor was high, silly crazy high.

Going into this years race was tough. I succumbed to the strain and stress of working, training, dealing with two crazy dogs, I was tired, real tired. I also managed to tweak my back about a week before the race despite all my stretching and hoping it didn’t fully relax in time for this Saturday. In fact I was feeling like my life was a complete disaster, too many things were falling out of place leaving me grumpy, tired, disappointed. I almost didn’t head down to Cortez for the race…..

Maybe it is habit, or blind foolishness that made me race anyways. No matter the reasons I lined up with hundreds of others on Saturday’s cold morning, I’m sure we all had dreams of rising above our fears, our doubts and our limits, rolling about in our heads.

Overall the race went pretty well. I did better in the run than last year and was much closer to the front as is desired. Lap one was smooth and fast but not too fast. Lap two I managed to crank out a pretty quick time, but the effort took a serious toll. My back was already tight, a painful ball of fire was buried inside my flesh and with every lap the discomfort intensified. Despite my attempt at keeping a fast pace I slowed down, every lap became harder and slower. By lap 7 I was so cooked, so sore, my eyes were not focusing right, I weaved all over the trail losing my front wheel several times.

Still I went out for my 8th lap. Why? I seriously wonder why. It hurt so much, I wanted to lay down, I wanted to cry. I couldn’t stop wondering what I did wrong in all my preparations, my months of training. Why wasn’t I faster this year? Why am I making punishing myself? Am I really ready for the Tour Divide in a month?

The end of the day found me in fifth place, same as last year. I managed to be 14 minutes faster this go around, which is hard to believe after those excruciatingly laps where it felt like I was crawling every inch of the way. I got to stand on the podium again and then drink too much beer and party with my amazing, fun and crazy friends.

not bad, but not good enough…

Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I expect too much from myself. I suppose that bike racing is a tough pastime, the ebbs and flows of success are tough to surf along without the inevitable faceplants. The fact is I am disappointed. I have made bike riding, racing and the training to get there the focus of my life. Everything else takes a back seat, seems like everything else in my life is a complete mess. With that I am bummed that this weekend hurt as much as it did and I didn’t do better. Guess there is always next time…oh man that’s gonna be a doozy, guess I better start sharpening my knives….

I have a hard time saying NO! Thing is I have this deep down drive to do everything I can to be helpful, useful, productive. Don’t get me wrong I do not always pull it off…failure only makes me demand more of myself. In this path I leave a wake of destruction, mostly forgoing all the things I should be doing for my self. I do not sleep enough, read enough, write enough. My house is a constant disaster, piles of clothes, half finished projects, canabalized bikes upturned every which way. Often my life feels like one big disaster too….as I feel like I am never doing everything I can, should, would, if only I wasn’t so damn busy doing everything else I am doing….

As of late I have been working and training 6 days a week. Moonlighting even, after work doing more work. I wake up every morning feeling tired, feeling the stress of all the things that didn’t get done the day before and need to get done and laying in bed does not get done ever.

I have a rather large race looming over my head that I have not been planning much at all for. I still don’t have a bike for, don’t have bags sewn yet, don’t even have money saved up for either. Stress rules my roost and stress sucks. Even right now I should be cleaning, planning, stretching, sleeping… instead I feel compelled to write this rabid rant about the madness that is me. Paint this picture of my descent into chaos..or maybe console myself with the knowledge that there is a dream somewhere down this road.

Realization hits me hard. Sometimes I step back and see the mess that is my life and I am disgusted. I feel the regret of failing to do my best at work, it eats me. Forced into letting go the dream of someone’s love, I wonder if I am doomed to loneliness. It all smacks me down, seeds the doubt, crumbles the confidence…fills my heart with regret…..

Hard slaps to my face like the headwind leaving town. Directly west into the glory of the setting sun. Easy gears let my feet fly, my legs spin. Summer has crept wonderfully into spring, the air is warm, the day is long. The bike flies beneath me, I am only along for the ride. It feels so good I never want it to stop, I never want the road in front of my wheel to ever end, please, never ever end.

Far from perfect, full of curses, tears and frustration. It Is A Pedaling Life….

sometimes it is tough, but it is always love…

I am Torn.

Have been obsessively planning, training, sewing, living and working towards my goal of racing the Tour Divide. It is no secret that this ride, this race has sort of taken over my life as it does to many who can not escape the gravity of this event.

I am hungry for this experience once again.

To sink deep into that wonderful mode of living, breathing, eating and traveling on the bike. A simple existence that is defined by finding food, water, shelter and the strength and motivation to ride as many miles as one can. The last time I did the TD was one of the best times of my life. Miles and miles of back roads down the spine of America. So many great people, gorgeous sunsets and personal highs.

In 2011 it snowed all spring. Most of us who road the Tour Divide that summer missed some good sized chunks of the course due to snow that didn’t melt out for weeks after we passed through. I really really want to see those high and wild places. A good part of my drive to return is to do just that, ride the whole course.

There is also the drive and desire within me to push myself. To bump up against and perhaps go beyond my own limits. I want to go faster. I know I can do it and have been training hard in attempt to do just that. Honestly I would love to give a go at the record.

Thing is mother nature is in charge of many aspects of the Divide. Instead of melting, it is still snowing up in the high country. It could warm up and begin to melt, but the snowpack is deep in many places along the route, many of the same places I missed last time.

Conversely, it is looking like another dry hot winter and spring in New Mexico. That could mean fire closures along the route by the time we roll through in June.

All this leaves me torn. After putting in so much preparation it seems impossible to resist the calling of my quest. Yet with the given conditions, my dreams of seeing the unseen parts of the route and testing myself, are slipping away.

It leaves me wondering. Do I wait a year? Do an Individual Time Trail in the fall? Carry on and race anyways. Not sure I want to do another Tour Divide full of reroutes. It is just too expensive an endeavor to do lightly. When I sit around and think about it, I lean towards bowing out. Out on a bike ride I instead think, just go race, who knows when the whole course will be raced 100%? Tough choices, none perfect.

Although it is frustrating, I am reminded that we are blessed to have such quandaries to think upon. For now guess I just keep training….