I have a hard time saying NO! Thing is I have this deep down drive to do everything I can to be helpful, useful, productive. Don’t get me wrong I do not always pull it off…failure only makes me demand more of myself. In this path I leave a wake of destruction, mostly forgoing all the things I should be doing for my self. I do not sleep enough, read enough, write enough. My house is a constant disaster, piles of clothes, half finished projects, canabalized bikes upturned every which way. Often my life feels like one big disaster too….as I feel like I am never doing everything I can, should, would, if only I wasn’t so damn busy doing everything else I am doing….
As of late I have been working and training 6 days a week. Moonlighting even, after work doing more work. I wake up every morning feeling tired, feeling the stress of all the things that didn’t get done the day before and need to get done and laying in bed does not get done ever.
I have a rather large race looming over my head that I have not been planning much at all for. I still don’t have a bike for, don’t have bags sewn yet, don’t even have money saved up for either. Stress rules my roost and stress sucks. Even right now I should be cleaning, planning, stretching, sleeping… instead I feel compelled to write this rabid rant about the madness that is me. Paint this picture of my descent into chaos..or maybe console myself with the knowledge that there is a dream somewhere down this road.
Realization hits me hard. Sometimes I step back and see the mess that is my life and I am disgusted. I feel the regret of failing to do my best at work, it eats me. Forced into letting go the dream of someone’s love, I wonder if I am doomed to loneliness. It all smacks me down, seeds the doubt, crumbles the confidence…fills my heart with regret…..
Hard slaps to my face like the headwind leaving town. Directly west into the glory of the setting sun. Easy gears let my feet fly, my legs spin. Summer has crept wonderfully into spring, the air is warm, the day is long. The bike flies beneath me, I am only along for the ride. It feels so good I never want it to stop, I never want the road in front of my wheel to ever end, please, never ever end.
Far from perfect, full of curses, tears and frustration. It Is A Pedaling Life….