I have been sleeping in lately. Too tired to get up and rise with the sun as I usually do. It feels weird, not right. But hell as long as I get my stuff done it don’t really matter right?  Seems my riding time has shifted over to evenings as many of my rides have been starting just before or even after sunset.

Tonight I got home from work, walked the dogs, prepped the bike and headed out to my beloved Hartman’s for a ride. By the time I clipped into my pedals it was already after 7:30. Dark, very dark and getting colder by the minute.

Yet it is so still, so quiet, completely peaceful out there in that wonderful mix of rocks, sage and snow. Didn’t see a single person, not one vehicle, no noise but the crunching of big tires on the stiff frozen snow.

I warmed up as the air got colder. I rode some tough trails that made me a bit frustrated. I then hit the snow packed super firm roads and did my workout, some mellow-ish intervals. Leaving what I imagine to be interestingly funny tracks going back and forth, back and forth. 

By now my toes are starting to tingle with cold. I layer up and make my way back towards the truck, not really wanting to stop. I hit my new favorite trail, V Drop. I clean it, my heart pounds with joy, adrenaline, satisfaction. I ride a few more trails. A shooting star streaks above the giant granite boulders surrounding me. The stars are in charge of the night, glimmering bright in the dark sky.

The bike simply feels amazing. The thin packed out line of the trail flows like magic. I am this very moment, in love with this very moment and tonight, that is all I can ask for.Thank You Universe, Thank You

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There is a lot of thought ping ponging back in forth in my brain. Nothing new there, but man it keeps me awake at night, makes me grind my poor teeth and really makes me wonder. Wonder why bother?

Thing is I try so hard to be what I want to be. I want to be smart. I want to be helpful. I want to try and be a fast guy on a bike. I want to be a good person. I want to be a good dog owner, a good employee, maybe even a be a good boyfriend/husband/significant other someday…… Well it is easy to want…

Thing is that I am a wuss, a total wimp. I get caught up in second thinking, doubt. I chicken out when on the verge of breaking through. I lose sight of the big picture and instead feel broken hearted and give up. I get so frustrated I just want to quit, quit everything. Am I afraid of success? I really wonder sometimes if I am. Fearful of letting go of that awful but familiar safety blanket.

My determination is tested almost everyday. It is true, I really do run head first into walls and then wonder why I am so stupid and spend way too much time contemplating how I got to be so stupid.

The thing is that it doesn’t matter how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up and try again, right? I’ll admit that I don’t usually feel so rosy about screwing up. I hate it, I want to be better, greater, perfect? Fudge I wish it wasn’t such a painful amount of hard fucking work to actually get back up after getting an ass kicking and face doing it all over again.

For me everyday is a determination test. Everyday life forces me to reaffirm that I really do want these dreams of mine that dangle like a carrot in front of my eyes. I get through, but some days shine brighter than others. Today was not much fun, it all seemed like too much work, a big huge maelstrom of confused unsettled energy swirled ceaselessly. But tonight, out on a solo bike ride, I stopped and stared at the sky full of stars. The dark quiet air was cold, the snow crunched underfoot, my breath froze on my beard, coyotes howled in the distance. For the first time in days my heart felt a touch of serenity. Looking up in all directions…were stars stars and more stars.