Life is full of struggle, holy hell some of us know that from from our everyday experience. Some of us just get hit with it hard from time to time…
I have been struggling for a while. I have a tendency to fall prey to the darkness that surrounds us. I am well aware of this and have learned to live with it, in that I seek out the things that make life sing, so that the crap doesn’t get out of hand much and is worth dealing with it when it hits. My ways of winning in this crazy world have turned out to be really challenging to access with a wife and child. When I lived alone with only a dog or two to care for, life was; working enough to keep a roof over our heads and some food around to eat, sleeping whenever it felt good, being outside as much as possible, and planning bigger adventures. This just does not work with my family.
The past few years I have been struggling to find peace, to find positivity, to find a way forward that feels good. Life got crazy busy and complicated really fast and I am still at a loss as how to find a way to still feel alive. Most days I feel like I’d be better served to have no feelings or thoughts, that my role is more robotic than human.
Working is an ends to means, I get very little satisfaction or energy from work, it is something I have to do and I do it well, but I hate it. So frustrating to give so much when others do not give anything more than what is required. Work leaves me emotionally depressed and physically drained.
I do love to spend time with my daughter, watching her learn, grow, mature is very inspiring and lovely, it is also tough after a 10 hour shift in the kitchen. I honestly beat myself up over the idea that I can’t be happy working and being a dad, that this isn’t enough for me. I sometimes wish it was, or that I could coax my brain, or sooth my soul into being ok with the situation and just be happy with this. Instead I find myself missing the pull of adventure, I catch myself staring out the window all the time, I am tortured by social media with so much fomo I could choke, I try to turn this around and get inspired. I do get inspired, I do rally and get up early and stay up late riding my bike in between all the other stuff. But it starts to grind me down and I end up so tired that I want to sleep all the time, and then I miss rides cause I can’t get up early enough and then I get grumpy.
Things are gonna get better, we are trying to get the child into some pre-school, both for her and for us. I am still some how thinking of ways to make it work. I really don’t want to give up on the dreams still burning to get out of my head, but god damn each time I get shut down, I feel like I just might throw in the towel. Pretty sure there is a limit to how much getting back up one can do.