4 months sober

Coming up on 4 months of being sober. Not drinking and smoking is getting easier and that is pretty great. My head feels clear, I am much better at speaking my thoughts, and better at work. I am so grateful I made this choice and stuck with it. Life on the other hand hasn’t gotten easier, I really thought it would without the chemicals. I really thought I would have more time and energy to do other things, mostly riding my bike and hiking, but also reading and writing. I really thought the clarity would make everything better, in some ways it has, but in some ways I feel like I am not having enough fun. Being sober is great, but it isn’t as “fun” as being stoned or drunk, going out or being at parties feels weird! Sometimes the days seem without any relief, just chores, parenting, work, more chores and more parenting. It feels exhausting. Most days I get so little time for myself.

I really can feel that tiredness too. I have been trying to get up earlier to create more time for myself. More opportunities to ride, stretch, write, think, but I am so worked I just go back to sleep. As it is, I am only riding once a week, sometimes twice. I also don’t read, I don’t write, draw, or create.( I am writing this while making breakfast!) It isn’t enough for keeping positive mental state, it isn’t enough to keep me on track for any of the races I was hoping to do this year. I feel like my bike world, (my own personal world) is falling off big time and this further crushing my spirit. I am really missing this part of my life. I love being a dada, but I am losing myself and so much of what I love about life. It really freaks me out and I am wondering if I will ever get that part of my life back.

It is interesting to me that I am more aware of what makes me tick and what upsets me, being sober. The other side of that is, I am also aware that the things in my life that I am struggling to deal with, are the reasons I wasn’t sober. Drowning your sorrows is an old saying that really resonates. It makes me sad that so many folks are in that place. I am sad that I was for so long, I really am stoked to be sober, I just really wish the rewards were greater on this side of things. I am still working at it and hope to get there, and at least I can see more clearly. None of this life is easy, that I am accepting more and more everyday. I am also trying to accept it with grace, that is still a challenge.

5 thoughts on “4 months sober

  1. Great job on the sobriety! Way to stick with it….all i can say is that picture at the end of your post gives you a millon reasons why to be the best person and to give 110% everyday! Yes life is hard and its full of struggles….be strong, postive and push forward! It does get easier…..thanks for sharing your posts, i always look forward to what going on in the life and mind of Jefe Branham 👍🏼

    • Hey Jefe. I just wanted to say, this post resonated with my experiences around the same time frame of sobriety, and that you’re not alone in it. However, I can confidently say that the gifts will and do come, and they are richer and more fulfilling than anything I’d experienced previously. Life will happen regardless of our level of sobriety, but man it gets so much easier to handle without the bottle and I’m forever grateful I get to be present for it. Keep it up. You’re doing great.

      • Thanks Nik, I keep finding good stuff being sober. I am also discovering all the things I hid from in the 3 years I was drinking too much. That stuff is what makes it hard, it is some heavy s$%t and a lot of it isn’t just my issues. It is harder for me to deal with, I am realizing why I was getting numb so often. Still better to deal with things then ignore them, even if it is the hardest stuff. Thanks for the words, means a lot. -Jefe-

      • Toootally get that. It’s like, “WHAM! Here’s all your stuff in full color and stereo!” suddenly, but dealing with it means it lessens over time or goes away entirely and is healed.

        Hard things are hard. And that’s ok. You’re pretty adept at dealing with hard already so you got this.

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