Made it to the 2023 CTR start line a few days ago and as anyone whose signed up for a big effort can attest, getting to the start line is half the battle. The preparation process is a bit more complicated for me cause, I am also organizing, answering questions, putting out little fires, etc. Amazingly after lots of deep breaths and emails we were off and rolling towards Denver.

The start of the CT out of Durango is a beast. So much climbing right from the get go and with my mediocre level of fitness, it was difficult to keep a fast pace as my legs were filling up with crampies. I forced myself to stay in a zone my body could sort of handle, that meant letting go of expectations and ego driven needs. As someone who has been ultra competitive in this race, it was a big shift that allowed me to relax and let go of that side of racing. Instead I really enjoyed the company of my fellow racers, I smiled a lot out there once I found this happy place of being competitive but just rolling with what comes.

After a long day of pushing out of Durango, dodging a few rain drops, laughing with my fellow racers, passing through a sweet sunset, and riding some amazing trail, I rolled through Silverton and started climbing the massive Stony Pass. I stopped at 12:30am, about 2/3rds the way up for an hour and 35 minute nap, got up and busted it over the pass and into segment 23, Cataract Ridge. Steep, tight, twisty single track winding through the San Juans at 12,000-13,000′. Traversing this is exhausting work, but this might be the most amazing section of the CT. Got to watch an glorious, sky glowing sunrise while nippling on cookies, feeling like everything was alright!

Then coming off of West Lost Creek Pass after Cataract Lake, I tried to ride a funky rock line over stream crossing, lost my front tire and splatted myself into some rocks. I hit the rocks and felt something snap in my left wrist and a surge of intense pain shot through that hand. I also managed to punch the ground with my right hand and now my middle finger knuckle is swelling up and not bending. In a typical post crash move, I hoped right back on my bike as if nothing happened. I made it 4 feet before my hand sent out waves of pain that sent me into shock. I could feel my legs turning to wood, my heart was racing, it was difficult to breath, the mountains started spinning and going dark. I barely was able to controllably sit down. I sat taking deep breaths, deep breaths, and once the shock faded I pondered my situation.

Now I had problem. I had about 5 miles of trail to get to Wager Gulch, then it was either keep going up Coney’s, or bail off course down Wager. Should I stay or should I go? I hiked my bike gingerly towards Wager, I tried a few times to ride, but no matter how or where I gripped the bars it was excruciating to ride. Reality was sinking in, I can’t ride anymore?! Tears bursted out as I realized this was probably the end of my ride. I sat at the top of Carson Saddle and ate more cookies, I stared at that climb up to Coney’s. I tested my hand again, maybe it just needed a rest? Even on a smoother road surface I couldn’t hold on with my left hand, and my right middle finger made my right grip not great. I could barely hold onto my bike and I was still at 11,000′ up a steep rocky dirt road. WTF am I gonna do?

After making myself crazy thinking about my situation I forced myself to start the walk down Wager Gulch. I felt like I was letting everyone down bailing from the course, I wanted to be sharing the suffering with my CTR peeps! It is truly hard to just stop while having an experience like the CTR. The mindset it takes to race the CT is quite a shift away from normal life, and you don’t just shut it down and walk away. Quitting was making my stomach turn, but I knew it was time for action, even if I didn’t like it. So down I walked for hours, that steep rocky jeep road making me wince the whole way. I finally made it to the bottom where there is a good gravel road that I could sort of ride with one hand and I made my way to a friends house. I fell asleep the shade and dreamed of the CT.

I am now home, I have eaten my fill, showered and got some X-rays. Looks like a possible scaphoid fracture, but they aren’t 100% sure as there are some old fractures showing up on the images. Ortho appointment tomorrow to get it sorted and start the healing. Last night was rough, my hand was throbbing like mad. I couldn’t really sleep, even tho I was exhausted from the past few days. Now I am still reeling, the switch from being immersed in the CTR mindset to sitting around unable to do much, feels very unsatisfying. Leaving such a powerful experience feels empty and weird and despite my very unhappy hands I really wish I was out there living it.