I wrote a post yesterday and a good friend commented that we are always evolving in reference to the sentence I wrote about spending a big chunk of the year taking care of my child, “I wasn’t working towards any personal goals, I wasn’t evolving as a person.”. I can see the wisdom in what he said. We are always growing and learning. I still feel like I wasn’t evolving personally. I was so focused on taking care of everyone else and numbing myself to hide the lack of personal growth from myself. I believe that to evolve we must take the learn knowledge and do something with it, that is the growth that makes us better.
This start of a conversation reminded me that I used to say “Hard is not Bad”. I think we humans are fully capable of doing incredibly hard and difficult things, history is full of this, we are here cause someone in our ancestry was tough, smart, cunning, and able to endure. I also think we humans are very attracted to easy and soft, we are especially drawn to this when pushed by other things in our lives. I can see how when my child was born and I was crushing myself working so hard, trying to make up for the fact that I didn’t have much money, or a great paying job, by working harder and longer, doing as many chores as I could, trying so hard to get ahead in any way I knew. I did all those things, but I was also drinking and smoking a lot. I was numbing myself any time I wasn’t working hard. I was trying to soften my life where I could.
Luckily I snapped out of the drinking thing little over a year ago. One of those things you look back on and wonder what the actual fuck was I doing. But I will admit I was still smoking too much, I was still unable to face my reality and instead was numbing myself to get by. It hurts to admit it all to myself, but I was unhappy about my life. I felt disconnected from my dreams, I felt wholly consumed by my responsibilities, and trapped with child and chores. Instead of getting to the roots of these problems, I continued to numb myself just to get by. Well all the experiences of life were building up in me. The big rides I did this year really did open my mind and fill it with ideas and energy. This bubbled up and leaked through the walls I tried to contain them within. I really do want more and I really am willing to face all this negative energy I was hiding away. Hard isn’t bad, in fact dealing with the hard things allows us to take all we have learned and use it to grow, excel, evolve. All I can say is Hell Yay.