dreaming

Was out for a walk a few minutes ago. The waking world was a flat monotone of white. The  sky, ground, buildings all caked with snow. Between the slow spiraling snowflakes was a touch of faded pink in the sky as a tiny fleck of sun broke through the heavy blanket void of color. A good bit of the western sky glowed faintly for just a few minutes and then it was back to pure, flat, white.

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Things have been a bit rough for me lately. With months of almost debilitating pain in my hand, I was not living, riding, adventuring any where near my normal. My mind was taxed with anxiety and the unknowns of what life would be like post surgery, leaving me unable to be dreaming, planning, and making my next adventure happen. My normal way of dealing with the necessary BS of every of day life is to balance that with adventure. For the past couple years reality has dampened all of that.

Surgery was 16 days ago. Those days have been brutal. The pain was terrible, but that didn’t last too long. I got back to work after just three days off. I am now back to cooking, cleaning, doing chores. Had my first check up and them bones and Ti hardware are doing just fine. Life is moving forward, but it doesn’t feel like enough. Just like snowshoeing around and around, it is ok, but not enough.

The timeline for me returning to riding, training, and racing isn’t perfectly clear. It will happen and I am really hoping my hand will be relatively pain free, but the time off of having fun is crushing me. There are also some big bills coming in soon, surgery ain’t cheap. All this has weighed heavy on my head and shoulders. I feel like I am unable to see the exit, I am really struggling to see where I can get back to what I love and what makes me tick.

Thankfully I grumble out the door for a dog walk. Reluctantly taking my eyes off the treacherous frozen ground, and there it is. White walls of clouds begin to catch a pale faded pink. There amongst the bleak blanket of nothing, there is a spark of color, light, energy.

In that moment I cracked through a ceiling of darkness. I rose up above my self in that bit of faint color beaming from the sky. Just enough to see farther, wider. Just enough to be reminded that they might be far, far in the future, but there are dreams to chase, big, big dreams.

 

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