Funny how a blog is a reflection. Of course it is a reflection of what we put out there for the internets to see, feel, read. For me and this blog, at least recently, it has been very quiet. Not that I have dropped off the face of the earth, or even stopped doing what I do. Just that what has gone on and down, hasn’t been what I was feeling as sharing type stuff.
Thing is this blog is all about Stoke. All about replaying the events and experiences that give me fuel, energy, inspiration, and sharing that desire with the few willing to read what I have bothered to write down. I want to share in order to inspire others to find their outlet, their passion and give it everything they have. That is the point. Lately I have been squandering in a mess of depression, lost vision, and low energy, thus no posts.
I’m looking and thinking forward, or at least trying to. Another big back drop to all this lacking, is an old, old ignored injury. I broke both my wrists way back when I was 15. One of them, my right and favored hand, never healed quite right. Not to mention I was a reckless snowboarder for a time and then I got into endurance mountain biking….needless to say I have beaten my whole body down over and over. For years I have milked the declining mobility of my hand/wrist. I saw a Dr way back in 2011 before my first Divide ride, and he suggested surgery, and soon! But the damn thing still worked and surgery scares the shit out of me….so I milked it and milked it….
For years, literally years I told myself, while deep into a multi day race, “just this last race, then I swear I’ll get it fixed, just this last race…” Well I never did get it fixed and now it hurts. It doesn’t just hurt when I race, or when I hit something wrong or funny. It doesn’t just hurt after a long hard ride, or a tough day of work. It Just Hurts. All The Time. I don’t ride much these days, just 2-3 days a week. I am not signing up for races, I can’t lie and keep doing that anymore. And that hurts almost as much.
So there are some facts, some reality I hoped to avoid myself. I am going to have to get surgery. Hoping to get insurance figured out and get the damn thing fixed up around the first of the year. It is a long road from there too, 6-12 months to recover and lots of PT. I am not stoked, I am scared and depressed beyond words. I miss racing. I miss training. Shit, I miss riding so much that I am crying. I knew this was coming and still I feel so exposed and unprepared for the reality of not riding and racing for what might be another year?!
There you have it. Reality can sometimes bite, and chomp down hard. But as someone wise said to me recently, “we all do our time” being injured, being sick, being forced to take time off. We all do, I have done some time in the past and I knew this was gonna get me someday….just that looking that day in the eye is unnerving and terrifying. I am trying to bring some stoke back into my awareness, into my energy, and back into my life. But it is hard. It is so hard to let go of what I love to do, even if for just a while.
Keep getting out there, keep finding the next adventure, the next unknown and please keep that Stoke alive!!!
Hang in there, Jefe! My best wishes for fast and happy healing once you do have the surgery!!! 😀
Okay, I feel your pain. Literally. I’ve been dealing with old injuries for most of my adult life, and yes, they are an undeniable part of that depression that seems to cling. Can’t shake the pain, can’t shake those low moments. But somewhere beyond all that, the never ending ache and the surgery and the PT, is the basket of goodies that comes along with living life the way you do. Of waking up early and riding the high country. Of crossing the Rockies faster than any other man alive. You’ve got so much to look forward to.
Dude, if anyone can do this, it’s you. Seriously, claim your own passion. Size up the dragons in your wrists (and elsewhere), and I think you’ll realize that you can best them. If there’s one resource in abundance in Gunny Valley, it’s excellent orthopedic surgeons and physical therapists.
Plan your recovery. Give yourself a timeline. Pick something, way off in the future, that you want to do and then make this time part of that time.
If you need a shoulder you know you’ve got many to call on. Much love brother.
Thanks feetforbrains, very kind and truthful words. Ionia I can do this just need not looking forward to it and the pain that is gonna come with it. That and adventures make me tick and that much time off from them is gonna be hard.