There is a little miracle that happens quite often in our little backyard. The Gunny donut. A ring of dark menacing clouds often seem to hover just out of range as the glow of warm sunshine fills the air with warmth and light.

Today was one lucky donut kinda day. We got out for a hike with the puppies along the beach that was buffeted with wind, but otherwise dry. Driving back to town the roads were soaking wet, big puddles lingered everywhere. Totally missed that snow squall.

Regardless of the not so motivating conditions and dark grey sky, I got the bike shoes on, a sandwich made and Rachel and I were out the door for a mountain bike ride. Today, the donut was not only lucky, it was also strong. Hartman’s glowed golden in the magical sunlight. The dirt was firm and grippy, the rocks freshly washed off, the traction was amazing.

After weeks of tiny teasing bits of sun and missed opportunities to ride. It feels so damn good to simply ride in the sunshine. Even better when Hartman’s is your backyard and you’re riding with your bestie.

Bottom line is, gORide, it is always worth it.

So easy to forget the truly good stuff. I’m guilty of it, over and over again. I get so stuck on big things that won’t leave my head and slowly drive me crazy.

It really is the simple little things that make my heart sing and my soul want to dance.

Like the quick after work sunset ride with my best friend in our perfect backyard.

The big stuff thankfully won’t go away and it still inspires me to reach, dream, and keep my head down and working.

So thankful for these amazing blasts of pure fun that put it all in perspective. That make getting to the bigger and more difficult dreams possible. That remind us that being happy and being good, here and now are better, and more important than grand schemes that linger out of reach. Dream Big, but live Now!!!

About a year ago I pulled the plug on riding the Divide again. I wanted it, but that desire was not strong enough to make it happen. That decision tore me up. I almost didn’t race at all the rest of the season and it was disappointing for me to not chase my dreams.

Since then, the idea of lining up in Banff this June has been in my head. I really want one more shot at it. Maybe I can go faster,( I’d love to break 16 days!!!) Mostly I want to go out there and be happy. 2014 I was stuck with numbers clicking like a clock in my head. I wanted the record, I wanted 14 days, I wanted to win. The race very much got in the way of the experience.

I really do want another run.

Thing is the Divide is an all or nothing sort of beast. I have not been out getting in the miles every weekend like I know I should. I have not been heading out into the rain, like tonight, to get in some spinning. Maybe I’m smarter, have less to prove, but I feel like I am softer, weaker…less driven. That really makes me question another TD. I just don’t know if I have “IT”???

It crushes me that I don’t even know.

So as I sit inside while it rains and rains, I am at a loss. I just don’t know. The big picture, in my head anyways, is that it doesn’t matter. Stay home, ride bikes, go bike packing with the girlfriend, play with the dogs, maybe race something close to home. All is good, right? The nitty gritty inside picture is that this maybe my last chance to dance down the spine. (there is more to life that living paycheck to paycheck….) I want one more blast down the continent, I want to see that expanse of land roll under my wheels from mountain range to mountain range.

But how bad do I want it, that is the question upon which this decision is weighing…..

I’ve been battling with the big “D” for most of my life. From a time before I understood what that terrible blob of darkness was, to this very moment. I’ve cried my eyes out helplessly, I’ve drunk myself stupid, I’ve spent perfect sunny days in bed unable to get my feet on the ground and moving forward. I’ve felt sorry for myself, I’ve hated myself and doubted every thing I ever did and ever dreamed of doing.

One thing that has lifted me up has been the bicycle. That simple machine gave me wings. Being outside has always improved my attitude, given me hope, and a glimpse of light. The bike gave me vehicle to get out there and keep going and seeing, breathing, looking for what is around the next corner, over the next hill.

Funny thing is the bike became everything and I eventually got pretty good at riding bikes long distances. Then I got on a bike team and got a bike sponsor, hot damn, pretty rad eh? It is rad to get recognition and support for what you love to do. Only thing is you don’t get that support and recognition for just being you and riding your bike. There comes a list of requests to go along with riding, racing and smiling. Blogging, Facebook, Instagram, Strava all become a part of your life. All of a sudden an introvert like myself is puking themselves up all over the place trying to get more likes, more press, more interest in whatever it is we are promoting.

Lately it has weighed heavy on me. I struggle everyday to find the self confidence needed to get out of bed, to get dressed and be the adult I have to be. I am not the always super positive, ultra energized bunny I put forth on social media. I don’t always get out there and ride as I am saddled with internal battles that leave me pacing around the house or laying in bed staring at the ceiling.  All the while there is pressure to get “content” out there.

Well I am caving in. I am withdrawing from the social media limelight.

I need to focus on being me. That is difficult enough most days and it gets very much confused by the whole public image thing. I need to ride my bike for fun, not for a workout or for the pictures to post up later. I need to inspire myself to ride and spend some quiet time when not on the bike.

I might be done racing, and I might race my brains out. Right now I have to make being happy a priority and that means letting all that go, so I can settle on what is important and that is living the best I can.