About a year ago I pulled the plug on riding the Divide again. I wanted it, but that desire was not strong enough to make it happen. That decision tore me up. I almost didn’t race at all the rest of the season and it was disappointing for me to not chase my dreams.
Since then, the idea of lining up in Banff this June has been in my head. I really want one more shot at it. Maybe I can go faster,( I’d love to break 16 days!!!) Mostly I want to go out there and be happy. 2014 I was stuck with numbers clicking like a clock in my head. I wanted the record, I wanted 14 days, I wanted to win. The race very much got in the way of the experience.
I really do want another run.
Thing is the Divide is an all or nothing sort of beast. I have not been out getting in the miles every weekend like I know I should. I have not been heading out into the rain, like tonight, to get in some spinning. Maybe I’m smarter, have less to prove, but I feel like I am softer, weaker…less driven. That really makes me question another TD. I just don’t know if I have “IT”???
It crushes me that I don’t even know.
So as I sit inside while it rains and rains, I am at a loss. I just don’t know. The big picture, in my head anyways, is that it doesn’t matter. Stay home, ride bikes, go bike packing with the girlfriend, play with the dogs, maybe race something close to home. All is good, right? The nitty gritty inside picture is that this maybe my last chance to dance down the spine. (there is more to life that living paycheck to paycheck….) I want one more blast down the continent, I want to see that expanse of land roll under my wheels from mountain range to mountain range.
But how bad do I want it, that is the question upon which this decision is weighing…..
In 2014 I had a singular goal in my head. Finish. I didn’t. I watched from a hotel as your spot sped, unstoppable, to Antelope Wells. I watched as your spot bounced, not in jealousy or disappointment of my own failure but in pure joy. In 2015 my goal remained. To finish. I did. I was a random 40 year old guy out living the dream. Riding my bike. That’s what makes me happy. Yes, racing can interfere with this joy. It indeed almost derailed my finish. I laid in a ditch on the second to last night. Hating racing. Then I remembered the people that weren’t out there riding. The people who would loved to have been. I got on the bike. I pulled myself out of a ditch because, in part, because of people like you. The riders that have shown class, guts, desire. If you are not in Banff my respect for you will not change. However, if we have the honor of lining up with you in Banff the inspiration you give many of us can only grow greater regardless of splits or placing.
good words, thanks Josh, hope to see you in Banff….
You know my feelings on the subject. I want you to do what you want to do, and I know you want to dance down the spine one more time. Whatever it takes to get you there, I’ll be behind you every pedal stroke of the way (not literally – ha!) And if this summer looks like more you-and-me-ventures, that’s one helluva consolation prize!!