About a year ago I pulled the plug on riding the Divide again. I wanted it, but that desire was not strong enough to make it happen. That decision tore me up. I almost didn’t race at all the rest of the season and it was disappointing for me to not chase my dreams.
Since then, the idea of lining up in Banff this June has been in my head. I really want one more shot at it. Maybe I can go faster,( I’d love to break 16 days!!!) Mostly I want to go out there and be happy. 2014 I was stuck with numbers clicking like a clock in my head. I wanted the record, I wanted 14 days, I wanted to win. The race very much got in the way of the experience.
I really do want another run.
Thing is the Divide is an all or nothing sort of beast. I have not been out getting in the miles every weekend like I know I should. I have not been heading out into the rain, like tonight, to get in some spinning. Maybe I’m smarter, have less to prove, but I feel like I am softer, weaker…less driven. That really makes me question another TD. I just don’t know if I have “IT”???
It crushes me that I don’t even know.
So as I sit inside while it rains and rains, I am at a loss. I just don’t know. The big picture, in my head anyways, is that it doesn’t matter. Stay home, ride bikes, go bike packing with the girlfriend, play with the dogs, maybe race something close to home. All is good, right? The nitty gritty inside picture is that this maybe my last chance to dance down the spine. (there is more to life that living paycheck to paycheck….) I want one more blast down the continent, I want to see that expanse of land roll under my wheels from mountain range to mountain range.
But how bad do I want it, that is the question upon which this decision is weighing…..