This blog is not dead yet!!
I have not gone completely crazy or abducted by aliens. I have a story to tell ya though….
Since I backed down from racing the Divide a couple months back I have been in a slump, a grumpy-not-so-sure what the hell I am doing state of being. Training, working and even racing all seemed like the worst things ever imagined and documenting this, my low state here with words, was even harder to convince myself to do. So there has been a long pause to say the least.
So here and now what do I have to share?
Life is good, yep it is kinda freaking great. Thing is, as usual, it is my attitude that suffers. I am often very stuck in the now, as in I need to do what makes me tick now, tomorrow, not next week, next year, etc. So when I let go of my dream to race the Divide, I sort of crumpled inside. In that time I was convinced that all I have to offer the world is racing bikes long long distances. Without that very concrete set of ideals and goals, I flounder and get overly obsessed with why’s and if’s and but’s and in turn make myself kinda miserable.
What changed you may ask? Well I thought about it all, a lot, like a super incredible lot. Which just made me crazier and grumpier, till I began to really look back at myself through this experience. I could see how imperfect I am, how I need that pain and suffering to feel like I am doing something worthwhile. That I want the attention that comes with crushing yourself putting in the miles. Damn it, I really am not a perfect person. Damn Damn Damn I really want to be perfect! Yet sometimes I get a glimmer of the reality that perfection isn’t a destination, so much as the gut wrenching attempt at the journey. It isn’t about standing tall atop the mountain sun on your face and wind in your hair, but instead a constant process of trying, failing, growing, learning and trying harder next time. Damn it hurts and hurts and sometimes sucks, but that experience makes you better, kinder, more connected.
Instead of thinking about the next race every time I ride, I simply gO ride and take it for what it is, a simple and amazing luxury of cruising about riding a bike through mountains filled with magic, history and soooo many flowers!!! I have been inspired by his years Tour Divide and I think I will be back next year, but that is a tiny detail really. For my focus is not just on training and training, but about smiling and accepting, loving and receiving, being kind and giving, life is just too precious, short and fragile to not LIVE. Fitness will come, but it is more about living in balance and keeping that in perspective. I am excited to start my planning and training for next years TD, but really I am excited about all the wonderful adventures that will happen along the way. Live, Love and gORide!