There are times when life rushes at me a warp speed, so many things happening at once, too many damn things to do and never enough time or energy to pull it all off. I will admit that my life isn’t that crazy, I simply am wired for a different sort of velocity. That and I just can’t seem to say no to helping out, working more and of course taking on big challenges. Yes I will probably dig my own grave.
I constantly dissect my own thoughts and decisions. I rack myself endlessly with the what if’s, the why not’s and the “is that really a good idea?” Often I wonder how much better life would be if I took a step back from racing big big races and just lived a little away from that. Stop suffering, stop racing to the race and then racing home and right back to work. Maybe take a vacation that didn’t involve bikes, racing, or trying to break a record.
It seems I am not there, ready to chill out and switch it up, maybe I never will be. I am just not comfortable being normal. I really do believe, most of the time, that when I die I want to be all used up. That brings me to the next thing.
A few weeks ago I thought that committing myself to racing the Divide again was a great idea. After my 2014 run I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted it to be a different experience than it was. In 2011 it was like a vacation, even when it hurt like hell, I was still so freaking happy to be out there, it really was like living out a long sought out dream. In 2014 I just wanted to win, break the record and crush myself trying to hit my potential for the route. That mentality might be great for focusing that single-mindedness into an epic mission, but it wasn’t nearly as much fun.
When I threw my weather beaten hat back into the TD ring, I did so with the thought that this year would be more meditative. More relaxed. More about the experience than the minutes, hours and days ticking by. I wanted to go into it this year less stressed, more rested, not so frazzled and ragged.
Damn it, life is not giving me a break. I am scattered, running around with too much on my plate. I am in a constant state of stress, there is no money, there is no time. I am not training as much as I want. My body is sore, tired, wicked tight and beat down. There is a thousand things on my To Do List and I am whupt. My impossible dream of being rested and relaxed is falling farther and farther away.
I really do wonder if maybe it is a mistake to take on the beast of the Divide once again. The idea of not freaking out for the next three months about money, gear and training, not to mention having a real summer afterwards, seems like a wonderful idea.
There simply isn’t enough time for everything. Tonight it was walk the neglected dogs or go do some intervals. The dogs won, but the whole time I thought about this quandary. What is more important, what is the path to happiness, what do I want? I am torn and somehow I want it all. Damn It!
Still there is something about all those damn roads criss crossing back and forth across the Divide, the mountains and hills, the flowers and trees, the wonderful people and the miles and miles of adventure that lurk out there that won’t leave me alone, won’t leave me be. It is in my blood, in my brain, in my very soul. Shit, Life ain’t supposed to be easy anyways.