lightening in the sky, thunder in my heart

Woke up grumpy today, so I stayed in bed too long, felt good to get a bit more sleep, but missed my chance to get out and exercise. That made me stay grumpy all day. It is dumb, there are so many good things in my life, I just don’t connect with them when I am grumpy, moody, what ever you want to call it. Stupid is what it felt like today, just stupid. I got through the day, but I was a cranky little shit most of the time, luckily my co workers are mostly forgiving and there were not too many irritating customers to deal with.

Despite my urge to get off work and just go drink, I came home and drove out to Hartman’s with the dogs. The sun was minutes from setting, the truck’s gas tank was empty, the sky dark with clouds upon clouds, lightening flashed directly above where my headlights were pointing me. Still we went forth. Even with the dark wall of some sort of precipitation looming I grab the leashes and we started up the trail. With many bushes sniffed and peed upon, we didn’t get too far before I could hear a dull roar above the crashes of thunder. The roar grew in volume, I knew what it was but wanted to Do Something and was playing dumb. There is no denying it when hail starts to pelt you, even my tough little heeler girl was not stoked on the tiny ice balls smacking into her face. I stubbornly set forth for another minute before the gathering stream of water flowing down the trail convinced me to turn back. The dogs agreed and we ran back to the truck, they eagerly leapt in and the adventure was shut down, as more lightening burst across the sky not far enough away.

I feel so easily defeated as I drove back through town, bought beer, and almost a bottle of tequila! It is still raining, the sky is flashing and rumbling. My head is a mess with thoughts, questions, my heart rumbles along with the thunder. I am not really in the mood to think, I am drinking beer and feeling guilty so therefor writing this. So, apparently, no matter what I think, I ponder, I wonder and question. Just like the weather, my mind, my moods have been testy, unsettled, kind of a bitch to deal with. Maybe I am a touch exhausted, maybe I expect too much, maybe I just need to HTFU! Right now that is easier said than done.

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