Living

We all go through phases in our lives. I have been through quite a few myself, sometimes I am shocked that I used to smoke cigarettes, crazy, but yep that was me?! I have been developing my current phase for a while. I am presently obsessed endurance mountain bike racing, it has taken over my life for quite a few years. I mean taken over, I am late on all my bills, I have barely enough money to feed myself till my next paycheck. My bike needs serious love, creaking and popping and I dream of being sponsored cause I need a new bike something bad as I can’t afford to fix a single thing. Yet I just committed to another race that I can not pay for and my body may not be ready for. Ah what a life, eh?

Emotionally it calls to me, so strongly and it makes sense in a way as I am pretty good at suffering with my bike in tow. The facts sometimes try pretty hard to dissuade me, I mean I am 40, I have no money, no health insurance, no savings. It is damn unnerving sometimes, how delicate the balance is. Bike racing is a rich man’s sport, yet I dipped my feet in the water anyways and can’t get enough. Now I chase my dreams into bankruptcy, somehow convinced that riding long and far is somehow redeeming enough to make it all ok.

Yet there is part of me that wishes to be an adult, have a touch of money set aside, maybe live in a nice house, maybe even start a family someday. Crazy talk, right? But it isn’t so wild as it is quite normal, but it sounds crazy coming from me. Still after every race, I dream and scheme on how to be better, faster, tougher, smarter, more prepared for next year. Hmm, doesn’t sound like mature adult behavior but the current phase trickling on. Am I afraid of change, yeah maybe. Am I  afraid of giving up something I am good at, well never been all that good at anything, so yes! Or is it that I can’t give up the drive to achieve, to try harder, to reach further with every race, every adventure. Truth is I am not yet satisfied, not done trying, so I guess I’ll just keep plugging away…..       

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3 thoughts on “Living

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