It has been a hot minute since I sat down to write and I got a swarm of thoughts swirling around in my head.

2024 was perhaps the hardest year of my life. Sure it is fresh and still lingering there and I can recall plenty of other hard times, suffering and heart break, but 2024 pushed me to the brink. I made it through the year numbing myself and not dealing with things that were crushing me, as problems just stacked up. I tried to use the tools I had but they were not sufficient to give me much hope or relief. I was stuck and not seeing outside of myself or the experience I was creating. I wanted to go back to when I had more time and space to use the tools I knew to find a way thru. I was not growing, not really living, just working and working and choring and working. I withdrew from everything that could have helped. I shunned social interactions, I didn’t read a single book, I rarely asked for help with anything, it felt like all I could do was get numb and keep working.

Thankfully I don’t live in a vacumm and my wife, Rachel, confronted me about the constant alcohol use. I admitted there was a problem and I had to stop, I felt so trapped in that cycle or numbing to get through my life, I was aware enough of this that I was hating myself very deeply. I was looking to self harm, but still provide for my family, I was looking to kill myself a little at a time, but still be home very night and alcohol was perfect for this.

Today I am 31 days no alcohol, it is hard, especially the first week or so. Last time I quit I demonized the drug in order to escape it. While that worked for about 18 months, I was grumpy as fuck and not really finding much happiness. I started to drink just on a few occasions and it was fine. As life kept changing and my ability to physically exercise out my demons became harder and harder to access, I started to drink more and more often. Then Rachel and I spent 3 months working non stop to open the Dilly Deli in 2024 and all my energy went into that project. I was working like crazy and not getting outside and I just leaned harder and harder on numbing myself.

We opened up the Deli in March of 2024 it was such a sprint to get it ready and I was completely exhausted, emotionally drained and I hadn’t been outside hardly at all. But spring was here, the Deli was open and there was hope in the air. Two weeks after we opened I found out my mom died at home alone. I was and still am devastated by this loss. Losing a parent is an experience you cannot grasp until it happens, I think it is especially hard when it is the very being that brought you into this world. I also have an enormous amount of guilt about being so damn fucking busy that I didn’t know she was so close to death. My mom was stubborn and probably determined to be alone, but I still am struggling to forgive myself for not being there for her, it is so painful to know she died alone. Back in April when this happened I just drank more and more. I didn’t want to process this, I wanted to be numb.

So here I am in 2025 feeling and dealing. I am on the sober train again and its always such an eye opener. This time I am going about things very differently and I am going deep into the work I need to do and oh there is a lot to do! At times, like yesterday, it feels so fucking overwhelming to feel so much and not always know where it all fits, much less how to deal with it. I am so stuck in my ways it is very difficult to see anything else, but there is so much else and I am started to feel these possibilities as there are opportunities to grow. I am inspired everyday by my almost 6 year old daughter and her incredible enthusiasm for life and experience. I am reading books! Oh wow that was sorely missed! I am dwelling into my issues and seeing a way through them rather than around them. It is fairly easy to get wrapped up the world around us and forget to be with ourselves enough as it is often uncomfortable.

One of the biggest challenges for me is asking for and receiving help. Somewhere in that past of mine it got very strongly reinforced that I have to do it all myself. That no one else is safe or reliable. What an obstacle I have created and defended for all my life. No one is an island in this universe, yet I insisted to myself and anyone in my life that I was. It seems daunting to even consider this a reality much less take it on and deal with it, that was yesterday for me. I was feeling suffocated and unable to rise up in order to breath. As impossible as it seems in the moment to grow through this, all it took was reading and reflecting to get a slight perspective shift that opened the doors to possibilities I didn’t see before.

While that feeling of seeing what can be is exciting and the energy feels invigorating and energizing I tend to get caught on that wave thinking it will last forever and the pain is gone. I remember riding the Tour Divide in 2011 and riding on a section of the route that was on the actual Continental Divide rolling along these big hills the sky threw a party and the sunset was freaking spectacular. I felt like a bird freed from the cage of pain and depression. I was convinced in that moment that I was never going to feel really bad again. The disappointment of falling back into depression later was demoralizing for me. I am now able to see that the work isn’t ever done, something I struggle with I want to accomplish things, check it off the list! These magical experiences are fuel for keeping us engaged and inspired. I see that the work is life and it can be interwoven in a positive way. So today or some tomorrow will see the return of the things that hurt and cause stress, but I can learn to process rather than numb. This realization is a powerful one for me. The coin feels like it can actually be flipped and that alone is a reason the keep working and trying.