Sobriety, Turning 3, and Trying to Train

I have managed to stay 100% sober for a whole month. It isn’t easy. The funny thing for me is I don’t miss being stoned or drunk, it has been great to have a clean head and body. I miss giving myself a treat for getting through the day, or a buffer for being social, giving those up is what is hard. Working in bike shop and talking with folks is not easy for me at all, it taxes my ability to make small talk and chat. At the end of the day I feel drained and empty, and like I gave all myself to everyone else. Normally I would treat myself to a drink or a puff to reset things and start over again, bike rides are a better option, but not as easy to pull off regularly. Think this is why I was drinking and smoking so much.

My wonderful daughter turned 3 this past weekend and it was a lot of fun to see her blossoming and enjoying the celebration of her birth. It also meant lots of family in town, a pretty big party with lots of new people and that is not a comfortable place for me to be. Again I would normally be draining beer after beer to distract my mind from the awkwardness that exists inside me in such situations. I would also be numbing myself to help forget that I wasn’t out riding my bike. Walking around Crested Butte on a beautiful day just to have something to do, felt like torture It sounds and feels selfish to admit that. I also really wonder if trying to race bikes is just asking too much of life right now.

I did get out for a quick ride yesterday. It was my first ride in the warm spring sun on dry dirt, and it felt magical. It really is hard to describe how wonderful it feels when I pedal. So much angst, pain, and frustration melts away. I feel more balanced, more confident, more free and happier. It is the best therapy in the world for me and it is so easily accessible and basically free. I am always trying to find ways to get out more, as I am such a better person and more likely to enjoy doing other things, when I get a little pedal time. Yet life is tricky and even being gone for just over an hour is a sometimes a stress on my family. I really want to give everything I do in life, everything I have, it is more difficult to pull off than I ever thought it would be. I am doing my best and that is all I can do.

7 thoughts on “Sobriety, Turning 3, and Trying to Train

  1. Thanks for sharing this. Seeing myself almost 40 years back in your words. Putting to (virtual) paper what it is that makes it hard can end up making it easier: “I miss giving myself a treat for getting through the day, or a buffer for being social, giving those up is what is hard.” Thanks again, and good on you.

    • For sure, I often write it down to get it out and then reflecting back. I feel more and more confident in my choices as time goes on. Really loving being sober! Thanks for reading!

  2. You and I sound a lot alike. I am a much better person when I can go for a pedal and stay off the cans. One month is good but you will feel so much more awesome after a few more months.
    My wife understands I need that time to recharge and I am lucky that she gives me the space to do it, even if it means time away from the family.
    Keep at it. 😉

    • Thanks Davey.
      It really feels good and that is fuel alone to keep it up. I am more focused, less likely to blow stuff off, and more honest with myself and my emotions.
      Riding is simply the shit, got out for just 38 minutes after work tonight and It Was Amazing, pure joy. Makes everything that is challenging seem possible!
      Thanks for reading and commenting!


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