Been sleeping in a lot recently. Pretty much since this year’s CTR I have felt some serious extra gravity pulling me back under the covers. Even I know that sleep is good, I love getting extra sleep, especially after big races. But the past few months were something else. I wasn’t just tired. I was blown.
The physical exhaustion is something I am used to and bounce back from pretty quick. What I’ve realized is this time my mental game wasn’t on point. I was unsure about the next thing, when the next thing is usually burning bright in my eyes, keeping me going, making me wake up.
I like to ride my bike almost as much as some people like to breath. I love the freedom and pleasure that pedaling gives me. Simply pedaling was never quite enough for me. I have gotten fairly obsessed with big rides, nasty rides, rides hard enough to make you cry, that I managed to forget that all bike rides are great. The good thing is I can still ride, the tough thing is after the CTR, I realized I couldn’t ride like I wanted to. I can ride, but I am grimacing between smiles. I can barely wrap my right fingers around the handlebar, always shifting my hand around to find a spot that doesn’t hurt. I shift from bar to bar end, to one finger, all fingers, no fingers. I sometimes catch myself not holding on with my right hand at all. Anything to just keep riding….
A few weeks ago I forced myself to get up early. It wasn’t even to ride, but to sew. Ironically this made for a 13 hour work day, but it also opened my eyes. I saw that we are more than work and sleep, but you have to get up out of bed to make any of it happen. Since I have been getting up early most mornings. Sometimes sewing, sometimes walking dogs, sometimes riding my blessed bicycles. The first few minutes hurt, but the experience is so much better than a bit more restless sleep. The result is life, living and experiencing.
So the time has come. Today I’m gonna call and schedule surgery to fix my right hand. I have been dealing with intense pain while doing my favorite things for too long. I have been putting this off because I could deal with it and still live as I wanted to. Now I am losing that ability and I need to get up and get it back. I am scared, so damn scared. I look at my hand and it appears fine, no blood, no bruises, no visible damage. I can move it, flex it, work and ride with it. But not the way I want to.
Time to get up and make things happen, they are not gonna fix themselves.
Take care everyone, be safe, be smart. Go forth with love in your heart and make good in this world.