long and winding road

Life is a funny thing. I am dumbfounded oh so often by the twists and turns that appear before me.

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The road to recovery has been an interesting thing to experience. For the immediate few weeks following the Divide, I was a wreck. So tired, sore and beat down that the only option was eat, sleep, eat sleep…and eat and sleep some more. Then I got back on the bike and felt pretty good, or so I thought. It is interesting how thought, feeling and left over adrenaline can cloud the reality of what really lies deep. That was exhaustion.

Thing is I got back on the bike too soon, or too much too soon. I should have ridden easy, on the road bike; flat and spinning. Thing is I wanted single track. I wanted high country. I wanted more adventure and fun, lots of fun. So I indulged. Also drank too much beer, ate too much food I shouldn’t eat. There was so much desire for what I did not have out there for those 16 days. Food, Beer, Singletrack…and to be honest…FUN!

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I was so pain cave right off the bat, for that was my vision. Head down,go fast, go hard, go long. Only thing is I discluded having fun, smiling, loving the moment. I dug so deep into that cave that I wanted so much of the opposite once it was done. Thus my recovery was kicked in the ass right from the get go. And I paid for that too.

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Just recently I have begun to feel something like myself. I can feel the desire in my bones to race, race big, far and fast. I am riding with some amount of gusto. I can actually imagine getting back to intervals, easy road spins, and riding long after the sun goes down. The past few weeks, or has it been months….I have been in a weird funk of the unknown where I just didn’t identify with any drive that once occupied my bones. I wasn’t riding much at all. Every effort felt like riding through molasses, the thought of hard efforts, racing, recovering was a nightmare come to life.

The thing is that it all comes around. Just this past week I feel some spring in my legs, some jump in the climbs and some serious drive in my thoughts. It has been almost three months since I completed the Divide. It seems like a small price of time to pay, but living through it was another thing entirely. Every moment in that time my mind/brain/thoughts constantly pecked away at the gnawing weirdness of of not knowing what was next? Doubt can take you apart and I am not immune to it’s effects.

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Time flies and life is fun. So now looking back, it seems like a small price to pay. Riding yesterday and today in the golden magic of fall colors the world seems wonderfully small, simple, perfect. The choice of the future seems simple, obvious, real. It really all boils down to perspective, yet so hard to keep it all in line. Smile. Live. Breathe. Love. If that is possible, then what the hell isn’t?

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