I am a frustrated human. It is a struggle to find my place in this vessel. I sometimes wish I was more dog like, carefree and ready for action without thought. Or perhaps a warm blooded robot, capable of focusing on the task at hand. Yet there are things that we humans can do that I don’t see in other life forms. Do any other creatures get that warm fuzzy feeling being with someone special, find it impossible not to stare endlessly at the setting sun or a star filled night. Are there other life forms that get the same pure wonderful joy of carving singletrack or skiing powder? That can thrive upon dreams of adventure, thoughts of love, new ideas, future inventions?
My problem with being human is weakness. Everyday I am confronted with my own weakness, my own desire to be satiated, satisfied, loved, and the compromises it takes to dull the ache of such wanting. For, on the other hand, I wish so much that I could put forth complete stoic focus. Dedicate myself and all my actions towards my goals. Not getting sidetracked, not getting distracted, getting drunk, staying up too late, losing focus on the big dreams that lurk in side my heart. Instead I falter from the line I set forth, I swerve off the path I have chosen.
This morning I woke up feeling like shit. Still I walked the dogs and started to do my cycling workout for the morning. Isolated leg training, alternating one leg at a time. I got super frustrated, it was so hard. My right leg just couldn’t do what I asked it to do, it just flailed around terribly. I was tired. Too tired. I want this, I need this. Yet weakness had infiltrated my body. I had to stop, went back to bed till having to go to work.
I feel so let down by myself. I do not want to back down, I do not want to miss any chance to get stronger, faster, to apply energy to my goals. Perhaps I am working too much, trying to save some money for the coming summer’s adventures. Perhaps I should spend less time on the computer, searching, writing, and yes that damn Facebooking, more time sleeping, stretching, resting. Maybe I should stop drinking beer, eating sugar and fried food. I see weakness everywhere I look. I am shamed by how much of it surrounds me, lives with me and even satisfies me.
There is no easy answer. I need to keep working, pretty much have to work two jobs. I must walk the dogs, and truthfully need to do this more. But I will not stop training, no matter how much it hurts. Yet something has to give, there are only so many hours in the day, days in the week. Keep taking it all apart in my head, seeking the lost time, where does it go? Like everything, it is a process. It isn’t going to reach an end today, or tomorrow, perhaps ever. No matter how much that frustrates me, just gotta keep trying, reaching, dreaming. There might be some more good parts of being human, not giving up easily is one I need to focus on.