Dreaming and training, or is it training and dreaming? Been doing a lot of these lately. Starting to feel recovered from the season of racing and feeling the deep rooted desire to get after it again. Only it isn’t a nice comfortable desire to get out there and have some fun, I get this obsessive need to do things. Tonight riding the road to nowhere, ie my trainer, I kept thinking about all the races I want to do. There are so many, so many that I can not do them all in one season, perhaps in this lifetime? Thing is I felt good tonight. This feeling makes me want to take on more, to dream big, bigger. This is a dangerous habit.
I have a problem with obsession. I get things in my head and they take a seat, make themselves some tea and stay here. Constantly in my thoughts, getting in the way of everyday needs to think straight, clogging up my life with tiny lists of thoughts and ideas. Simply not enough to dream and dream, I get overloaded and need to DO and DO. If only my dreams were small and easy, alas they are not. I want to do bigger and bigger races, and more of them. Oh why do I complicate my life? Keep thinking I will get over all this and settle in, chill out. It is not happening.
The whole new world of structured training has been a hard adjustment to make. This morning I did not want to get up out of bed, so I did only half of my work outs, did the other half this evening. My lack of time management has been called to the front row and I am trying to address it. I have been feeling soreness in muscles I never met before, dropping tools at work has never had such consequences. Riding my bike 3 blocks on flat ground has made me cringe with the pain of dead legs. I am tired, just tired. None the less I am addicted to it, I can sense the changes coming about inside me, mental and physical. I am excited to dedicate myself to this, I really am.
The problem is that I want more than I can chew. I need this want. The dreams of taking on great and wonderful challenges and the potential of working harder than ever to get stronger and faster, leaves me wanting, wanting more. Where do limits come from and how to exceed them? I am not willing to limit myself, but how do I overcome that? How do I get over the normal everyday, the need to pay for all of it, to make life happen in between the lines? That is my now. All of it, all at once. Damn it the obsession has taken root, the thoughts are filled with dreams, the days are filled with training, work, more training. I am excited to see where this takes me. A few things are certain, more training and more dreaming…