The Big 4-0. Yep, many things to many people. From the perspective of me as a child, I just can’t believe I made it this far. “40, man that is old!” But living here in the Gunnison Valley, forty is just another start, a stage for blossoming. For me right now it feels like the body getting older, the mind and ego staying the same. Thus I feel beat up and overused and still want to take on what ever my mind wishes without doing anything but getting out of bed. Tough luck there buster.
I have been trying to be good, doing some core work almost everyday along with some stretching. But it just isn’t enough. The back still feels tight, the legs dead, the knees get creaky after a day at work and this is without really pushing it, not really riding much. Could it be I am just making up the deficit of so many years? Sins of the past, the little promises I made at 2:AM in the middle of the night during some race, “please let me get through this and I promise I will be good to my poor body, really I promise” Believe me I think about it a lot cause sometimes it truly does hurt. Maybe I did a deal with the devil, whoever that may be, and now have to repay my tab. I feel like saying “Fuck you Devil, I am moving on” but it just doesn’t work that way, maybe I am getting old after all, nah.Yet here I am right now, half drunk on beer, writing instead of sleeping, stretching, eating well. Aauughh.
I keep running into the wall of knowing that I am not perfect, I hate these walls! But it is only another place to start, a new beginning, right. Yet beginnings are hard, painful, messy. No one is is perfect, but we all can try a little harder, can’t we? It is just so much easier to give in to temptation and put it off. The fact is it doesn’t matter to the whole scheme of things, or does it? As individuals maybe it doesn’t matter, but as a whole maybe it does? Do the sum of all our efforts equal something more?
Bottom line is I need to try harder, stay focused because I want more, I am still unsatisfied with what I have done, I want more out of myself. I want to push my limits even harder. The problem is the gap between that feeling and everyday life, where work, desire, impulsion get in the way of the the one minded push towards that goal. It can seem so simple at one time, but get muddled so quickly. Who wants to be average? Shit I have wished for it so many times, but really it is simply not me. Never has been.
So what does this have to do with being on this earth for 40 years? Perspective, once again, my perspective now at this time is that we as humans need to push past this phase of “good enough” and strive for what is possible. It starts here, I want to push myself, see what is really inside me. Maybe it will inspire someone to seek out there own potential and that inspires yet another person, who inspires yet another. Get out there, do it, be what you want to be, no BS, live and make it real.