I woke up this morning before my alarm, as I lay in bed cozy and warm I started to think about my Mom.

Being a parent is perhaps the hardest thing one can try to do well. There are so many opportunities to do good and to also really mess up. I try to be the best dad I can be, every minute of every day. It is exhausting and the sacrifice is deep, but I took on this job and I want to do the best I can. We as parents can do so much to help out kids be prepared for the world out there. Most parents are very just people and people have a hard time letting go of everything else and caring for a child. We carry our garbage around and install problems into our kids. My parents didn’t do a great job of this with me.

I was not ready for the world out there, I still am not. I carry so much of my pain around with me. Pain that went unresolved cause I never understood why I ended up such a lonely and scared little boy. The adults chose and I was heart broken for so much of my youth. My dad was rigid, strict and a little scary to me as a sensitive boy. I clung to my encouraging mother, then she was gone. Life changed, I learned to be quiet, and collected. Keep your emotions inside, show only strength.

It took years of self reflecting and acceptance to just allow this to be real. As a 3 year old, I unknowingly took the burden on of my parents divorce and carried it in my heart. What a world! It took so long to realize that just cause two people have children doesn’t mean that they can be together. Again being a parent myself has shown me how hard it is to be present, to not bring your own baggage, to keep your own emotions out of it. Now I can appreciate that my parents probably tried, it is was hard and it kicked their ass.

While my Mom and I had a pretty good adult relationship, we never really delved into the past much. We both avoided that painful mess, but now I wish so much that we talked about it. I wish so much that I talked to her more about everything. My mom was not perfect, far from it, she had a hard time being a mom unless she wanted to be. I get that now and have the capacity to accept this. I can not tell you how much I wanted to talk to her over the past 9 months. Oh man how I wish I could sit with her and say all this. Oh how I wish I could hold her hand, give her my love, understanding and say to say goodbye.

Do me a huge favor, if you still can, call your Mom, tell her I say hi!